Church Analytics

Friday, February 29, 2008

Nigeria: Mysterious loss of a Penis

Hey everyone, i read this story on and couldn't resist to share it with y'all. Hilarious, but may be true. lol.

Motor bike Taxi drivers from Gwagwalada, a small locality close to Abuja in the middle of Nigeria, have gathered to protest against a client they accuse of using pigeons to steal penises.

According to the national news agency - News Agency of Nigeria (NAN), the suspect’s last victim is a 35 year old Motor Bike Taxi driver named Musa Abubakar who dragged the suspect to the police station where he accused him of stealing his penis. The suspect denies all accusations.

Abubakar was very serious in his statement to the police when he declared that, Mohammed Ma’aji, his passenger had stolen his “family jewels” with the help of a white “spiritual pigeon” hidden in his bag. This spiritual pigeon, according to him, was wearing a small black tie around its neck.

"I drove this man to three different places. On our way back to our point of departure, he squeezed his legs tightly around me which made feel sick and weak immediately”, he said to the police.

"I therefore stopped riding to have a look in my trousers and it was gone !", he continued, precising that the pigeon had turned black. To him, there is no doubt about the passenger’s involvement in the disappearance of his penis. “a policeman appeared on the scene when i started screaming to call the attention of my mates”

Mohammed Ma’aji denies all the accusations: "I already have one, what do you want me to do with his?... concerning the pigeon, a holy man gave it to me to hand it over to a poor man", he said. "it is likely that Abubakar lost his penis yesterday evening with a woman ", he continued.

In a very serious tone, the Gwagwalada police chief said his men were trying to get the object of crime.

And even more seriously the local transport union of motoclyclists have threatened to take the case to court if the pigeon did not give back the missing penis to its owner in 24 hours.

Rumours of genital organ theft by “witches” used to be/are frequent in Nigeria as well as other countries in the region where “juju”, an older version of voodoo, is practiced

Friday, February 22, 2008

Congratulations to JLo and Marc Anthony

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony became the parents of twins early this morning in a New York-area hospital, according to People magazine, which reportedly paid upward of $6 million for the photo rights.

The boy and girl, delivered in a Long Island, New York, hospital, were the first for the 38-year-old actress and singer, whose efforts to become pregnant have filled tabloid pages in the past few years, now her most desired dream has come true. She has been doubly blessed. After so many years, she now has a child of each sex (male and female). Very very cool. Marc Anthony, a 39-year-old salsa singer, has a daughter and two sons from two previous relationships. (Marc as 'ugly muche-che' as he is, now has five children from three different women,mmmm)

Congratulations mommy JLo!!! I am sooooooo excited for JLo!!!

Halle Berry is next!!! I am so so so so so so so so excited for her as well.

Friday, February 8, 2008

More jokes

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is atwork.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boyis in there already.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time ?'
Boy - '£350'Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy,'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a £600.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that'
That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh* t again you little pr*ck,you're in my f...... cupboard now'!!
The missing cock
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing.
At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town.
Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. " That's not what I mean, either.
Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up
Old lady biker
A little old Lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one
day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with
tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a

The little old lady replies, bike's parked over there", and
points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any
man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been
swung around by my nipples a few times."
Out With The Boys
A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Woman love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak , so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very suprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked
"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
Weight loss
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time, because, once a week, that nice looking lady next door comes over and blows him back up.
Farting problem
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.
He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.
Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She
fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While
she was
taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husbands problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About 20 minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right-all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in."
Sleeping in church

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!

Things that are difficult to say when drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Anaesthetist
4. Cinnamon
5. Chrysanthemum

1. Specificity
2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
3. Anti-constitutionalistically
4. Transubstantiate
5. Sphygmomanometer

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
02. Nope, no more booze for me.
03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
04. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
07. I'm not interested in fighting you.
08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.


11 Signs You're Crazy About Someone

Eleven: You walk really slowly when you're with them.
Ten: You feel shy whenever they're around.
Nine: You smile when you hear their voice.
Eight: When you look at them,you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
Six: They're all you think about.
Five: You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.
Four: You would do anything for them, just to see them.
Three: While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.
Two: You were so busy thinking about that person, you didn't notice seven was missing.
One: You just scrolled up to check and are now silently laughing at yourself. Now make a wish. You know you want to...
A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he
tended to be a little overprotective of his daughters. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a
shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.

One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates. The
doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A
gentlemen said,

Hi, I'm Joe,
I'm here for Flo,
We're going' to the show,
Is she ready to go?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the
door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Eddie,
I'm here for Betty,
We're getting' spaghetti,
Is she ready?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the
door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Chuck,

And the farmer shot him.
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'."
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios!"
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

The frog and the Endowed
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.
"Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks.
Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again,
"Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?
No. No. NO!"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father...

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a Twinkie snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber smiles down at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits, too!"

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Nominated by UN as the best Poem of 2006 - Written by an African Kid

Hey y'all, i saw this nice poem written by an African Kid and decided to share it. This poem was actually nominated by UN as the best poem in 2006. Enjoy!

When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in Sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.

And you white fellow

When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you grey.

And you calling me colored?

Monday, February 4, 2008

More little Johnny stories

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little JOHNNY . He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnnysays, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.When they arrived home from the hospital,the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wisecrack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all." said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand.
He looked at its mother and said "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.Why...just look at his pretty little eyes...Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask? Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses."
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No,No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train.
That's the grown-up word."
Then the teacher asked the third one, Little Johnny, what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. Johnny puffed out is chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?
Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a motherfuckin'
train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnny decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr.Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied, "In Susie's room, of course.
It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job, you'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into his proposal.
So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't know how to answer, After all a 10 year old little boy couldnt have thought of everything.
After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole...

Camel toe and rhino toe

What is the difference between a
and a......

Now, think before you answer,

If you don't know the answer, scroll down
and I will show you, the difference.

This is a





.....and this is a

So now you know, and from this day forward you will be able to differentiate between the two.


How daft can some people be? Find out in the following questions that were asked. Some answers were 'stupidly funny', while others were just........ DAFT! Pls read on. Enjoy!

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for "cherrypickers" and "cheesemongers"?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. There are regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

Big Quiz (LBC)
Gary King- Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant- Lepers.

Quizmania (ITV)
Greg Scott- We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant- Doctor.
Scott- No, it's 'T. 'T for Tommy. 'T for Tango. 'T for Tintinnabulation.
Contestant- Oh, right . . . (pause) ... Doctor.

Danny Kelly Show (RADIO WM)
Kelly- Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant-I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly- OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant- Cartons?

Beg, Borrow or Steal (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston- Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant- Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston- There's a clue in the title.
Contestant- Leicester.

BBC Norfolk
Stewart White- Who had a worldwide hit with What A WonderfulWorld?
Contestant-I don't know.
White- I'll give you some clues- what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?Contestant-Arm.
White- Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . . .?
White- Correct and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant- Louis.
White- Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song 'What A Wonderful World'?
Contestant- Frank Sinatra?

Late Show (BBC Midlands)
Alex Trelinski- What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant- France.
Trelinski- France is another country. Try again.
Contestant-Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski- Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon
Contestant- Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski- Just guess a country then.

The Weakest Link (BBC2)
Anne Robinson- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant-The Conservative Party.

University Challenge
Bamber Gascoigne -What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant- Goosey, goosey

Richard and Judy
Question- How many metres are there in a kilometre?
Answer- Three.

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter- What happened in Dallas on November 22,1963?
Contestant- I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

Andy Townsend- How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller- Two.
Townsend- The Beatles were known as the Fab ...?
Caller- Five.

Richard and Judy
Question- Which Danish city is famous for its statue of a mermaid?
Answer- Denmark.

RTE Radio 2FM (Ireland)
Presenter- What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners, 'Last Of The...?
Caller- Mohicans

Greg Scott- We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Scott- Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.

Phil Wood Show (BBC Radio 1 Manchester)
Phil- What is 11 squared?
Contestant-I don't know.
Phil- I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant-Is it five?

Richard and Judy
Question- Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Answer- Forrest Gump.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
Tarrant (asking the audience)- 'Jambon is the French for which food?
Audience- 11 per cent said jam.

Richard and Judy
Question - On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant -Er...
Question - He makes bread...
Contestant- Er...
Question - He makes cakes...
Contestant- Kipling Street?

Nation Vacation (Nation 217 TV)
Presenter- Which of these is a city in Germany- Hanoi, Hanover or Hangover?

Magic 52 (North-East England)
Presenter- In which year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Presenter- Well let's put it this way .. he didn't see 1964

Simply the Best
Phil Tufnell- How many Olympic games have been held?
Contestant- Six
Phil Tufnell- Higher!
Contestant- Five.

Richard and Judy
Question- What's the Prince of Wale's Christian name?
Answer- Err... Question- Here's a clue- he was married toDiana.
Answer- Err...
Question- It begins with a 'C.
Answer- No idea.

Fort Boyard (Challenge TV)
Jodie Marsh- Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word CHED and PIT.
Team- Chedpit.

Lincs FM Phone-in
Presenter- Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant- Barcelona.
Presenter- I was really after the country.
Contestant- I'm sorry I really don't know any countries in Spain.

Radio 1 Early Morning Show
Presenter- How many toes do 3 people have in total?
Contestant- 23

Bob Hope Birthday Quiz
Presenter- Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant- Four.

Breakfast Show, Radio 1
Chris Moyles- Which 'S word is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 Tonnes?
Contestant- Ummmmm.
Chris Moyles- It begins with 'S and rhymes with 'perm.
Contestant- Shark

Notts and Crosses quiz (BBC Radio Nottingham)
Jeff Owen- In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant- (long pause)- Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

The Mick Girdler Show (BBC Radio Solent)
Girdler- I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter E.
Contestant- Ghana.
Girdler- No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant- New Zealand.

National Lottery (BBC1)
Question- What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant- The Pacific

Rock FM (Preston)
Presenter- Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant- Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

The Biggest Game in Town (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre- What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant- Magna Carta.

James O'Brien Show (LBC)
O'Brien- How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant- Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth... er... er... three?

National Lottery
Eamonn Holmes- There are three states of matter- solid, liquid and what?
Contestant - Jelly.

Dave Lee Travis Show (Breeze FM)
DLT- In which European country are there people called Walloons?
Contestant- Wales.

Paul Wappat (BBC Radio Newcastle)
Paul Wappat- How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant- (after long pause)- Fourteen days.

Brainteaser (Channel 5)
Presenter- Which literary hunchback lived in Notre Dame and fell in love with Esmeralda?
Contestant- Nostradamus.

National Lottery
Eamonn Holmes- Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing... what?
Contestant- Basketball.

Noughts and Crosses Quiz
Jeff Owen- Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant- (after pause)- Pearl Harbor?

See Hear Saturday (BBC2)
Presenter- What country does the spiritual leader the Dalai Lama come from?
Contestant- Scotland.

Richard Allinson Show (Radio 2)
Allinson- What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory
Contestant- (after long deliberation)- Erm, Kelloggs?

Blind Date (ITV)
Girl- Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy- Charlotte Bronte.

Steve Penk Breakfast Show (Virgin Radio)
Steve Penk- What is the name of the French-speaking Canadian state?
Contestant- America?... Portugal?... Canada?... Mexico?...Italy?... Spain?

Chris Searle Show (BBC Radio Bristol)
Searle- In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller- Japan.
Searle- I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller- Er... Mexico?

The Big Quiz, LBC
Gary King- Who was Mary Arden's famous son?
Contestant- Can I have a clue?
Gary King- Yes. He was famous around the Globe.
Contestant- Bill Gates.

Janice Forsyth Show (BBC Radio Scotland)
Janice Forsyth- What is the currency in India?
Contestant- Ramadan.

Daryl Denham's Drivetime (Virgin Radio)
Daryl Dertham- In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant- Holland?
Daryl Dertham-Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant- Iceland?... Ireland?
Daryl Dertham (helpfully)- It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant- No.

Phil Wood Show (BBC GMR)
Wood- What 'K word could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant- Er...
Wood- It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant- Blimey?
Wood- Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run...
Contestant- (Silence)
Wood- OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant- Walked?

Owen Money Show (BBC Radio Wales)
Owen Money- In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.
Caller- Er, Tony Brown and Nigel Benn. (Silence.)

Kelly Today (ITV) Lorraine Kelly- How many days in a leap year?
Contestant- 253.

The Vault
Gabby Logan- What is the county town of Kent?
Contestant- Kentish Town?

Dog Eat Dog (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson- Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant- Enid Blyton.

National Lottery
Dale Winton- Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea - a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant- Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

Steve Wright in the Afternoon (BBC Radio 2)
Wright- Johnny Weisssmuller died on this day. Which jungle swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant- Jesus.