Church Analytics

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads:


Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you ! my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


Pharmaceutical Advertising
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to exam table, cover paper etc.

This one should win an award...

Monday, September 22, 2008

Naija proverbs

He who lives in a glass house....... Na im pepe rest.

A stitch in time........ dey prevent further tear tear.

Birds of the same the same mama born dem.

One good turn......... na correct power steering be that.

A bird in hand........ wetin e wan be again if no be barbeque.

Half bread.......... is better than buns.

Journey of a thousand miles....... Ol'boy carry your car go o.

He who laughs last........ na big time mumu be dat. Why im no catch the joke at the first time and laugh when others dey laugh?

The patient dog........ Waalahi, Na hunger go kill am.

All work and no play.......Na banker be dat.

All play and no work...... Abeg na real life be dat. afterall u no see as u dey happy wen u know say dem go declare plenty holiday soon.

The guy that made this up is a comic genius abeg! I don laff tire, hahahahahahahahah.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


FIRST-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited
in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the
conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and
tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher
says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes
open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teach! er: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do"
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first" (Principal was looking restless
and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good"
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Fire Truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
Smart boy eh!!! Lol.

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island....

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl....

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.......

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.......

She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself......

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it, and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.........

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing........


They buried her.
Dispute between neighbors - true story.

A city council man in Utah , Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built a new home. The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view,went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line, at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the city, and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view , this is what they found...

Friday, September 5, 2008

Marion Jones has been released from Jail

SAN ANTONIO (AP)—Disgraced sprinter Marion Jones was released Friday from federal prison after completing most of her six-month sentence for lying about her steroid use.

Jones left a halfway house in San Antonio around 8 a.m., said LaTanya Robinson, a community corrections manager for the federal Bureau of Prisons. Jones, who has a house in Austin, will remain on probation.

Jones’ attorney did not immediately respond to a call or e-mail from The Associated Press requesting comment.

The sprinter admitted last October that she used a designer steroid known as “the clear” from September 2000 to July 2001. The drug was linked to the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative, the lab that became the center of a steroids scandal that touched numerous professional athletes, including baseball star Barry Bonds.
Her admission of drug use in 2007 came after years of denials.

In 2004, she sued the founder of BALCO for defamation after he said she used steroids. The lawsuit was settled the following year, long before she told the truth in a federal courtroom.
Jones gave back the three gold medals and two bronze medals she won at the 2000 Olympics in Sydney before the International Olympic Committee officially wiped her name from the record books in December.

Welcome back!!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer . It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet... Nancy-pants.

If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so queer.

If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord . A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag .

If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.