Church Analytics

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Stupid Questions, Brilliant Answers!

I posted this blog post in the past (April, 2007) , I read it again today and decided to re-post it for the benefit of those who didn't have the opportunity to enjoy it.

Enjoy folks.

Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking or sniffing.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black), rinkhals and municipal workers.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Friday, January 9, 2009

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in thenewspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decidedto hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew alot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fire place with a glass of wine,waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

I didn't see it coming either!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Happy New Year y'all

Hey people! Compliments of the season to everyone! I was away on vacation, got back two days ago. I had a fantastic vacation, would give you the details but I won’t, lol. Long and short of it was that I had a fabulous time!

So many good things are gonna happen to me this year and to everyone else who deserve good things (which means everyone would get good things).

Two VERY important and positive things are gonna happen to me in the first quarter of this year, I'd like to tell you guys what they are but if I did, it won’t be fun. Will tell you guys as they unfold. I am sooooooooooooo excited about them!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, I am back to work and my nice life.

I don't make new year resolutions so I won't bother with one. Good luck to those of you who make New year resolution(s) ...I am gonna quit somking this year...10hours later, they light up a ciggie. I am gonna stop drinking this 2days...they are drinking a little pint of larger, lol. I am gonna stop cheating on my partner....a week later..hey ****, want a quick f*** for all times etc etc.I pray that everyone gets what their desire.

Hope to write more scintillating stories and keep you guys entertained!

I hope you all have a prosperous New year.