Church Analytics

Thursday, February 19, 2009

And that is how the fight started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.... ************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den and asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started... ************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started... ************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started....
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started... ************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'I said nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

13 year old father.

The first time I heard about 13 year old Alfie Patten of Great Britain being a father, I was so angry because I thought it was unfair for the fifteen year old girl to take advantage of him. An average thirteen year old boy (all over the world) should be thinking about school and not girls, especially not sex. So I ignored the news each time it came on TV.

However, I have picked more interest in it now that there are two other 16 year old boys claiming paternity to the baby.

Not only is this girl ...a 15 year old girl, that should also have been concentrating on school, a baby snatcher (having sex with a 13 year old boy that looks like a 10 year old) she is also a keziah! (Someone who gives herself freely to any guy).
She is a big embarrassment to herself and her family.
That being said, what could be the intention of these two teenagers claiming paternity to the baby? Money?? There claims are suspicious cos it's strange that they are doing this rather than do what an average teenage boy do... turn the other way. Deny, deny, deny and let the poor 13 year old take responsibility.
Everyone is laying claim to this child cos the media has over blown this situation. The boy's father who has 8 other children is aiming to get money from the media out of all these ruckus. Exclusive pics, exclusive interviews , etc for some bucks.
Now, these boys who claim to have spent nights with the girl in her parents' home, want a DNA test to be taken to prove the child's paternity, everyone wants a cut out of this embarrassing situation. It's shameful.
Something needs to be done about this sex education given to children and freedom of 'this and that' all over.
What has happened to these people's morality and sense of shame?
What has happened to some parents and the world at large?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My Uncle, Mr Joseph Ikeji


20th April, 2009: Hey all. My Uncle is doing fine now. He can use his hands and is very healthy, albeit he can't walk due to the spinal injury. He will be discharged from Imo State Teaching Hospital on Thursday, 23rd April, 2009.

Hey all. Thank you for your prayers.

My Uncle is currently at the Imo State University Teaching Hospital and is responding well to treatment.

Thank you immensely for your prayers.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Please pray for my Uncle, Mr Joseph Ikeji

My Uncle, Mr Joseph Ikeji is in his 70s. He left his home at Alaka Estate on the 14th January, 2009, to visit a friend of his at Iponri Estate, he climbed the pedestrian bridge (with the help of his walking stick), descended it and was going to cross the little plank over the gutter provided by Julius Berger (who has got the contract to build the road on Western Avenue). He put his right foot on the plank, put his stick on the plank, as he was about to put his second foot on the plank, it slipped and he fell into the gutter being built.

I remember that a day before that incident, I complained to a Julius Berger contractor that the plank that was placed over the gutter was dangerous and could hurt someone. His response was that "they didnt place the plank there". The gutter they built is a bit wide, the plank across it however, is thin, and almost weightless. When I put my foot on the plank to cross to the other side, the plank moved, so I quickly jumped. On my way back, I didn't use the plank, I managed to jump the big gutter in my high heels.

Anyways back to the story:
Fortunately, there were passersby who saw him fall. They quickly pulled him out of the gutter before he completely sank in, he lost his walking stick, but that was not all he lost. He lost the use of his voice, his legs and his arms.

My Uncle could not say a word for about an hour, people kept asking him questions but he couldn't reply, he only stared at them. Fortunately, someone who knew him summoned his friend at Iponri Estate, who got to the scene of the accident, surveyed the situation, then called my dad.

My dad got there, called one of his neighbours at Alaka Estate, who drove them back to his crib(Alaka Estate). After about an hour, my Uncle told my dad and everyone there what happened and how he hit his head on the edge of the gutter before he fell in. He could now talk but still couldn't move his hands nor legs.

We were informed about the accident by my dad. I got there after work, but couldn't see him. My dad showered and changed his clothes, my mum fed him, then brought him out into the living room. He could talk at this time but his voice was not strong. I had to bend and move close to him to hear him talk. I suggested they took him to the hospital but his Land lady suggested we waited till the next morning because it was late.

The next morning, my dad took him to LUTH, there, my dad was told that my Uncle may have sprained his spinal cord when he fell, they asked for a cast to be put round his neck, which my dad paid for. The following day, my dad was told by the nurses at LUTH to take my Uncle away cos there was no space there. They advised him to go to Igbobi Orthopaedic Hospital. My dad went there, but there was no space there. My dad went back to LUTH to relay this message but the Nurses insisted that my Uncle had to leave. My dad looked for other alternatives but couldn't find any.He went to different places until late into the night. Tired, he went back to LUTH and begged for my Uncle to remain there until the following day, which they agreed to.

The next day, my dad took my Uncle to R. Jolad Hospital in Gbagada, they admitted him, asked for a N20,000 deposit, which he paid. After my Uncle was given a bed, my tired dad went back home to rest. My mum, sister and dad took turns taking care of my Uncle at the hospital.
I asked my Uncle if there was any improvement but he said NO. At this time, he could neither pee nor pass out excrete.

He kept complaining that his health was deteriorating. I asked the doctor what the problem really was, but he said I should not worry that my Uncle would be well soon. We asked him if he could give something to my Uncle to enable him pee. He said he would provide a pipe that my Uncle could pee through, which he did. On his third night at the hospital, my sister Linda, spent the night looking after him. The following day, my dad visited and was told by the Doctor that my Uncle could not be treated, thus had to be discharged.

Since nothing was done to my Uncle, my dad asked for a refund or the balance of the payment he made, but the cashier declined, instead they gave him a receipt that read: N3,000 for 3 nights, N1,000 for X-rays and N16,000 for professional consultation. WTF??? What fucking professional consultation??? Nothing was done to him...except the pipe that was passed into his dick(which was removed after he was discharged). We only EVER saw the doctor once. The receipt was not even signed. My dad was pissed, he argued a bit, but wasn't in the mood, so he took my Uncle back to LUTH.

At LUTH, they said there was still no space. They went back to Igbobi: No space. So he took my Uncle back home. At 7pm, he went back to R. Jolad to get a referral to go to the General Hospital, but there was no doctor to give him a referral, so he came back home.

Next morning, he went back to R. Jolad, got the referral, went to the General Hospital with my Uncle and Mum...No space. For heavens sake! Why is there no flipping space???

They brought him back home. We were like...what next???(cos his condition was not improving). My dad took him to another private hospital...No space! All this while he still hadn't excreted nor passed urine.

My dad eventually went to a hospital where he could be treated, but they said they couldn't admit him. They gave him some medication and put a pipe in his dick so he could pee. Then they said my Uncle should come back the following day so they could make him pass out excreta.

The following day, my dad took him there(By the way...all these going up and down were done by carrying my Uncle, cos he still can't walk nor use his hands) and he was made to excrete...I don't know how it was done. He felt a lot better after that.

Our nights have not been peaceful for a couple of days now cos that's when he has much pain and discomfort.

We intend to take him to Imo State Teaching Hospital for treatment since all the hospitals here are 'full'.

He is single, never been married, so he is currently staying with us.

I beg ALL of you to PRAY for him to recover as soon as possible cos the pain is becoming unbearable.


Thank you all.

Rafael Nadal winner of the Australian Opens

Rafael Nadal has won the Australia Opens. He won by 3 sets to 2. He beat my favorite, Roger Federer, 7-5, 3-6, 7-6, 3-6, 6-2.

Federer did well but had so many unforced errors. Nadal on the other hand fought hard. So many times Federer had the lead but each time Nadal caught up with him and won. It's a shame, I was really rooting for Federer , so were most of the spectators, but Nadal won.

Immediately Nadal won, the court was quiet, it wasn't the type of reception I expected. The crowd was quiet, very few people cheered. A lot of people were not happy he won, however, he deserved it cos he worked real hard.

Federer wouldn't forget this defeat for a long time. Nadal beat him in the Clay finals, Grass and now this.

It's a pity to Roger Federer, but Congrats to Rafael Nadal.