Church Analytics

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Little Oyinkepreye came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Preye was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Preye's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Preye, of course, thought he did.

Preye's mother wanted Preye to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Preye, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Preye stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,

Preye knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Preye. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Preye

Preye knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore
up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would
really like a bike for my birthday.

Preye knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Preye wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Thank you,

Preye knew , even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Preye was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Preye's mother thought her plan had worked, as Preye looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," Preye's mother told him.

Preye walked down the street to the church on the corner.
Little Preye went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Preye bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Preye began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5


The hit man.


I know it's an old joke but still a clssic! lol.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson update

Update. 3:24pm. 26/6/09
Michael's family have been briefed with the autopsy report. Now the chief coroner is briefing the press on the result.
He said the cause of death has been deferred due to the fact that additional tests need to be done (Toxicology tests, etc), he said the result of this test will be in four to six weeks. He said there was no external trauma or foul play, however, the police are carrying out a private investigation as to what really happened. He also said prior to his death, Michael had no heart problem/condition but was on some prescription drugs.
Michael's body will be released to his family at 6pm today.
The name of the Cardiologist has now been revealed as Dr. Conrad Murray.

Update. 1:02pm. 26/06/09
According to the 911 tape that was just released, the Cardiologist was apparently there with Michael when he collapsed. He, had according to the 911 caller, had given him (Michael) CPR and some form of medical attention. When the dispatcher asked the 911 caller if anyone had seen what happened before Michael collapsed, the caller repeated the question to the Cardiologist who ignored the question and asked them to hurry.
The Cardiologist was the only person with Michael when he collapsed... before the 911 caller made the call.

Update 10:10am. 26/06/09
A cardiologist who had been treating Michael until recently is missing. His car, a silver BMW, which was parked in Michael's home has been impounded and towed by the Police because they think he may know why Michael had a Cardiac arrest. People are wondering why the Cardiologist hasn't showed up yet, wondering why he didn't go back to pick up his car and why he hasn't contacted the police yet.Update: 06/26/09. 8:00am
LA county Coroner said the autopsy (Toxicology and extensive exam) to Michael's death will begin in a few minutes. They want to find out why he had the cardiac arrest.

MJ's former attorney claim Michael had been abusing prescription drugs and warned him and his family about it but they ignored him.

A lot of people are mourning this music icon. People are gathered everywhere..Hollywood walk of fame, outside the UCLA Medical center, almost every store is playing his music. People are crying, P.Diddy couldn't believe it when he heard it yesterday, Beyonce was very touched, Cher, Donner Sommer, a lot of stars have been making comments about him on TV, it's unbelievable.

I wonder if he wrote a will. I wonder who will take custody of his kids? We know his ex-wife promised to have nothing to do with his 2 kids but what about the 3rd one,blanket? Since the identity of Blanket's mum is unknown, I guess....his Mom, Janet or...I dont know who, will take custody of his three kids.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson is dead!

Wow, it's.....I don't know what word to use. I was in bed when I got the message that Michael was dead. I jumped out of bed and quickly turned the TV on, and there it was, the Living legend....the legend is dead! MJ the King of the world is gone!!! Wow! It still doesn't feel real. He is....was the only musician who is...was known all over the world. He is....was known in every part of the world even in the deepest/bushest village in Africa. The man is....was....I am speechless right now.

I got a message from my sister, Laura, on face book to call her cos she couldn't believe it was real. She couldn't believe someone like him could die, but, C'est la vie.

We are all shocked about this turn of event, putting into consideration his comeback concert he had been preparing for in London. Wow!!!

Geez, what a loss to humanity!

The king of POP IS DEAD!!!

May his soul rest in Peace.

Farrah Fawcett too. Na wa o! I wonder if she got to marry her long term partner before she died. I know he proposed to her recently but I don't know if they got to tie the knots before she died. May her soul rest in peace as well!

Mmmmm, this date, 25th, na wa o!

It's 10:15pm now in L.A. and there are soooooooooooooo many people gathered outside of Michael's home, The Apollo and outside UCLA Medical centre where he was pronounced dead.

I am currently watching Larry King Live on CNN and one of the reporters just reported that cops are taking/confiscating some of Michael's properties. The reporter said she asked one of the cops why they were taking Michael's things away but they declined to comment. Na wa o. I wonder what's going on.

I'll keep u updated as I get new info.
Update: 10:43pm. Michael's body is now being transported to where an autopsy will be performed on his body.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Husband and wife

Hubby gets 'I Love You' tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife.

She says: 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'

Question and Answer.

A: It's Braille for " suck here. "

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but " down under. "

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.


A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. ''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

Friday, June 5, 2009

Little Johnny Joke and others

Little Johnny Joke.

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how
many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2
rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six Sir

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and
another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: Where the f*** do you get seven from?

Johnny: Because I f***king have one at home.

Jane and Arlene
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself in to the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel’

The pharmacist fainted.


Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more
time before I die ?'

She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'

At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.

Subject: Golf Lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"



Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?



First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta..

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 ;program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support