Church Analytics

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

More jokes

‎72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
Old joke:
Husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed. She turned to him and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," he answered.
She then said, "Is that your final answer?"
He didn't even look at her this time, simply saying "Yes."
So she said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?""Condoms.""Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday" "Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?" "For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." "Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk. With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February..."

Thursday, September 15, 2011


Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her butt that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you.

A retired man goes to the social security office to apply for SS.
The clerk asks him for his identification but he forgot it at home. The clerk says, "Unbutton your shirt."
The man thought the clerk's request was a bit odd but he unbuttoned anyway.
The clerk says, "Ok you're approved. The white hairs on your chest are enough proof for me." The man returns home and tells his wife about his experience.
The wife says, "You should've dropped your pants. You would've gotten disability too"

‎2 kids in a hospital outside the operating room, 1st kid asks, "What are you in here for?" 2nd kid says, "getting my tonsils out, I'm a little nervous. 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, when you wake up they give you ice cream. " 2nd kid asks, "What are you here for?"1st kid says, "circumcision." "Whoa!", the 2nd kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If only men would listen..

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wobble line dance

Ed the chicken

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You crapped in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!