Laugh out loud

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure. Classic! Lmbo!!
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!"
"I can’t jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "I’m n...aked and it’s raining cats and dogs."
"If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!" she replied. "He’s got a very quick temper and a shotgun!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn’t that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it’s raining," he replied.

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A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and say...s, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They precede to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife’s mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to fuck the same cow every day."
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An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two children. She walks around the shop, picks what she wants and goes to the counter to pay.

The man behind the counter can’t help but stare at this really offensive looking woman with her two children.

She puts her shopping on the counter and as the man is scanning the items the ugly woman gets all offended by his constant staring and asks him what he i...s staring at.

The man asks whether her kids are twins.

She says "No. one is 12 the other is 7. Why ask?"

"Well......I just couldn’t believe someone would fuck you twice!"
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A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I picked out the largest a...nd most heavily tattooed biker, punched him on the nose, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, then told him, "Now, leave her alone or things are really going to get really ugly!"

St. Peter was impressed and asked "When did this happen?"

"About ten minutes ago."
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A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.

Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno," came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
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A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What’s wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and ...we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Old ladies

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said,
"No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh!t."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."