Safe sex

I saw this advert and couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard there were tears in my eyes and my tummy hurt. I enjoyed it so much that i decided to share it! Hahahahaha.


No offense meant but, i think this is very funny. A'riya riya...somebody stop me!!! Hahaha.

LATERAL THINKING PROWESS

CHECK YOUR LATERAL THINKING. THE FIRST 4 ARE THE QUESTIONS AND THE LAST 4 ARE THE ANSWERS

DO NOT LOOK AT THE ANSWERS FIRST !!!!!

THESE ARE REALLY GOOD !!!! TRY IT OUT

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Funnies

Hahaha, they are all urs man, stop playing around. Hahaha

Haha.

Another one that i like. Hahaha. I am sure some men feel like this sometimes.haha

This is another goldie!! Loves it! hahaha

Hahaha, e dey go pack shit! Hahaha.

Sure! Ride on ride on!

I love this one, chasis!!.. my favorite! Hahaha...This woman is in big trouble. Loves it!!!

This is an all timer!! Hahaha

Loves it! Hahahaha.

Sheep shagging bastard!!! Hahaha.

Alarm don blow!

U need to enlarge this one to be able to read it.




Hahaha, poor guy. I am sure he would have preferred.....hahaha

Jokes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
'What may we do for you ! my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

Pharmaceutical Advertising

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to exam table, cover paper etc.

This one should win an award...

Naija proverbs

He who lives in a glass house....... Na im pepe rest.

A stitch in time........ dey prevent further tear tear.

Birds of the same feather...na the same mama born dem.

One good turn......... na correct power steering be that.

A bird in hand........ wetin e wan be again if no be barbeque.

Half bread.......... is better than buns.

Journey of a thousand miles....... Ol'boy carry your car go o.

He who laughs last........ na big time mumu be dat. Why im no catch the joke at the first time and laugh when others dey laugh?

The patient dog........ Waalahi, Na hunger go kill am.

All work and no play.......Na banker be dat.

All play and no work...... Abeg na real life be dat. afterall u no see as u dey happy wen u know say dem go declare plenty holiday soon.

The guy that made this up is a comic genius abeg! I don laff tire, hahahahahahahahah.

jokes

FIRST-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered,
"I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than
she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited
in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the
conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and
tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher
says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes
open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teach! er: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do"
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first" (Principal was looking restless
and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good"
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver"
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Fire Truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself."
Smart boy eh!!! Lol.
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Shipwrecked

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island....

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl....

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.......

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.......

She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself......

It was very tragic, but the two guys managed to get through it, and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.........

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing........

So..........

They buried her.
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Dispute between neighbors - true story.

A city council man in Utah , Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built a new home. The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view,went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line, at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the city, and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view , this is what they found...

Marion Jones has been released from Jail

SAN ANTONIO (AP)—Disgraced sprinter Marion Jones was released Friday from federal prison after completing most of her six-month sentence for lying about her steroid use.

Jones left a halfway house in San Antonio around 8 a.m., said LaTanya Robinson, a community corrections manager for the federal Bureau of Prisons. Jones, who has a house in Austin, will remain on probation.

Jones’ attorney did not immediately respond to a call or e-mail from The Associated Press requesting comment.

The sprinter admitted last October that she used a designer steroid known as “the clear” from September 2000 to July 2001. The drug was linked to the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative, the lab that became the center of a steroids scandal that touched numerous professional athletes, including baseball star Barry Bonds.
Her admission of drug use in 2007 came after years of denials.

In 2004, she sued the founder of BALCO for defamation after he said she used steroids. The lawsuit was settled the following year, long before she told the truth in a federal courtroom.
Jones gave back the three gold medals and two bronze medals she won at the 2000 Olympics in Sydney before the International Olympic Committee officially wiped her name from the record books in December.

Welcome back!!!

MAN TEST

If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer . It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet... Nancy-pants.

If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so queer.

If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord . A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag .

If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

Scam victims are as guilty as scammers

"People who fall for so-called " Nigerian scams" aren't victims at all—in fact, they're greedy and should be jailed, according to Nigerian high commissioner Sunday Olu Agbi. This is something i have always said, and i TOTALLY agree with him. He said on Friday, 22nd, August, that Nigeria has gained a bad reputation because of the scams perpetrated by a minuscule number of people, and that those who find themselves involved with the scams are equally as guilty as those running them.
"The Nigerian Government frowns very seriously on these scams... and every day tries to track down those who are involved," Olu Agbi told the Sydney Morning Herald in response to a previous article on Australians falling for Nigerian scams. "People who send their money are as guilty as those who are asking them to send the money."

Out of the 140 million people in Nigeria, Olu Agbi said that fewer than 0.1 percent were involved in Nigerian scams. The scams, also referred to as 419 scams or advance-fee fraud, predate the Internet, but have exploded in recent years thanks to the proliferation of e-mail and instant money transfers. Although the scams can take on many forms—from payments for products sold on eBay or Craigslist, to deposits on houses and purchases of plane tickets for "true love" on the other side of the ocean—they all follow the same general theme.

Scammers send huge checks to unsuspecting victims with some story attached to explain the overpayment, and the victim is expected to wire back the difference immediately. Eventually when the checks are deposited, they bounce and the victim is out a lot of money. Sometimes, victims are tricked into thinking they'll eventually be paid back and continue to participate in this endless cycle of sending money, especially if the scammer is wooing them romantically (which happens more commonly than one might think, to both men and women).

Although this kind of fraud originates from all over the world, it seems to have an unusually high concentration in Africa and, specifically, Nigeria. This has, unsurprisingly, cast Nigeria in a negative light. Olu Agbi said that Nigeria's reputation for being involved with the scams has even hurt the country's ability to land business deals. "Those who want to transact business with us are always very suspicious," he told the newspaper.
Nigerians are not trusted anywhere because of a very little percentage of people who are not straight forward.

I am sorry, but any fool who believes he can spend $1000 and gain $1000000 just by sitting on his ass is as stupid as a dumb fuck and deserves it if he gets scammed!

I was in a cyber cafe sometime last year and i saw a guy with pictures of puppies on his screen,i asked him why the puppies were there and he said they were for sale. I laughed and asked him if he thought any Nigerian would buy puppies online, knowing we ain't animal lovers. He equally laughed and told me he was advertising the puppies to foreigners, Americans to be precise, not Nigerians. He said the puppies on his screen actually cost between $800-$1000 each, but he advertsied them for $300. He also said he didn't have the puppies he advertised but pretended he did. And because they were $300, he always got stupid/greedy people who were willing to pay him for the so called 'puppies'. Let's be sincere to ourselves, why would anyone think a healthy puppy which cost between $800-$1000 would be sold for $300? Only a thief. So, the sammer and the scammee are both thieves!

I am not saying scamming is a good thing but those scammed deserve what they get for their greed. They get scammed cos they are greedy and are beaten by those who are more intelligent than they are.

I only feel sorry for those who are genuinely looking for true love but get scammed by stupid boys pretending to be girls! Enough said!

The Lion King and other stuff

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."

A golden oldie Little Jonny.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morningand she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?

'Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night and Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'

'If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted.

U need to enlarge the above picture to be able to read it. It's really funny.

Enjoy.

Blonde teacher

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because I am the f#cking goalie!



Model sues surgeon.

A model went to a surgeon for breasts enlargement and this was the result:

The translation to this caption reads: 'Model sues surgeon for obvious reasons.'
His comment: 'looked OK to me'!!!

Not funny

Hey Jim Carey!!! Is this supposed to be funny...??

Well, it ain't. It's not even in the zip code of funny.

Nadal wins his first wimbledon ever

King of Clay, Raphael Nadal has broken Federer's dream of breaking Bjorn Borg's record of winning six consecutive Wimbledon championships!

Roger Federer has won the Wimbledon championship five consecutive times, starting from 2003 until 2007.

Rafael Nadal won his first grass championship ever, today! He is the King of clay and has beaten Federer nine times out of ten on clay, but had never won in any grass championship. Now that jinx has been broken. Nadal shed tears of joy after he played the last game that made him win.

He was winning 2 sets to nil against Federer but Federer stepped up his game and it was 2-2. 1st set was 6-4 to Nadal, 2nd set was 6-4 to Nadal, 3rd set was 7-6 to Federer, 4th set was 7-6. Then the 5th set was very hectic and heart pounding. My sister was rooting for Nadal cos she felt bad for him, i rooted for Federer cos i am a BIG fan of his, but it didn't happen. The last set was 9-7 to Nadal. The 5th set went like this: It was 6-6, our hearts were in our mouth swhile we watched, then it was 7-6, then 7-7, then 8-7 to Nadal and the 9th one was 9-7 and immediately Nadal fell to the ground.

The jinx has been broken and now Nadal's name is finally on the list of Wimbledon's winners.

The game was so long, it went on for about 4 hours 41 mins.

These two are the best tennis players in the world. King of clay (Raphael Nadal of Spain)versus the king of tennis (Roger Federer of Switzerland).

Federer is still the number tennis player in the world while Nadal is still the number 2 tennis player.

Fancy restrooms