Stupid Questions, Brilliant Answers!

I posted this blog post in the past (April, 2007) , I read it again today and decided to re-post it for the benefit of those who didn't have the opportunity to enjoy it.

Enjoy folks.

Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking or sniffing.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black), rinkhals and municipal workers.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in thenewspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decidedto hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew alot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fire place with a glass of wine,waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

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I didn't see it coming either!

Happy New Year y'all

Hey people! Compliments of the season to everyone! I was away on vacation, got back two days ago. I had a fantastic vacation, would give you the details but I won’t, lol. Long and short of it was that I had a fabulous time!

So many good things are gonna happen to me this year and to everyone else who deserve good things (which means everyone would get good things).

Two VERY important and positive things are gonna happen to me in the first quarter of this year, I'd like to tell you guys what they are but if I did, it won’t be fun. Will tell you guys as they unfold. I am sooooooooooooo excited about them!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, I am back to work and my nice life.

I don't make new year resolutions so I won't bother with one. Good luck to those of you who make New year resolution(s) ...I am gonna quit somking this year...10hours later, they light up a ciggie. I am gonna stop drinking this year...next 2days...they are drinking a little pint of larger, lol. I am gonna stop cheating on my partner....a week later..hey ****, want a quick f*** for all times sake.lol. etc etc.I pray that everyone gets what their desire.

Hope to write more scintillating stories and keep you guys entertained!

I hope you all have a prosperous New year.

Cheers.

Vera.

MTV MAMA Awards, 2008

The MTV Africa Awards was held at the Velodrome near the National Stadium in Abuja, Nigeria. Contrary to all the negative publicity the fantastic event has been receiving, I think IT IS THE BEST EVENT EVER HELD IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY. The stage was AMAZING, never seen anything like it in Nigeria, ever! When I saw it on TV, I asked my sister what country it was been held at, she looked at me and said "here of course, in Abuja". I was speechless and proud, I never thought we could build a stage as 'chasis' as that. I was impressed.

People are complaining cos they couldn't get their own way by trying to get in through the 'back door' and certain people who thought they were 'important', were treated the same way as everyone else (which is the way it should be), haha. Anyways, back to the event. It was spectacular, the lighting, the stage, the whole venue, everything looked awesome!

I don't know why some people are bitching about the event (they are entitled to their bitching though cos there is freedom of speech and...bitching, lol), we won most of the awards man! Haha. Be proud of what we achieved and stop complaining.

JOZI won this dance competition by far. P-Square tried but Jozi danced better during the bout.

Flo Rida's performance was off the hook!

D’banj (Nigeria) won Artist of the year award and the Best Male Award. He had an outstanding performance with Kelly Rowland. He won most of the awards that night.

MTV AWARD 2008

Wahu (Kenya) won Best Female Artist. She was very emotional when she climbed up the stage to pick up her award.

Ikechuku - Wind am well (Nigeria): Best Video. Loved his performance with Cassette and the other group, cant remember their name, lol.

9ice (Nigeria): Best Hip-hop Award. His performance was cool and da bomb!

P-Square (Nigeria) won Best Group. Gee, the look on Peter's face when they won the best group award was scary. hahaha. I was like..what's the matter with him? I guess they were expecting to win more awards and were pissed cos they only won one. They should be happy that they even got one, haha. Peter's speech about his son and baby mama was just plain unnecessary, I thought he looked stupid making that stupid speech. He looked more stupid trying to Americanise his words.Thank God for his brother's timely intervention: "In Nigeria anything can happen" hahaha.

Jozi (South Africa) Best Live Performers.

Naeto C (Nigeria): Best New Act.

Late Fela Kuti (Nigeria) won The Legend Gong Award.

Seether (South Africa) wonBest Alternative Group.

The Game's performace was simply the best! He only sang one song but people went crazy when he started performing. However, his wardrobe malfunction was nothing to write home about, haha. His jeans kept falling off...my sister said it was fashion, I thought it was bullshit, haha. When he took his shirt off, his purple colored boxers was just out for everyone to see. I am sorry I dont think showing off your undies is fashionable.

Barack Obama US President elect

Barack Hussein Obama, United States President elect. Just two days after Lewis Hamilton won his first Championship!!!! Amazing!!! Wonders shall never end.

I never knew how the election was gonna go. I kept an open mind.

I didn't think Americans would let a Black man rule them. However, looking at his opponent, McCain, he was too old, 72 and didn't look like a good candidate to run the country (my opinion). His choice of Vice president - Sarah Palin, then compounded his whole race.

So, I was kinda optimistic but open minded as well, because I did not want to be too disappointed if it didn't happen. My colleagues at work were going to bet on who was going to win.

One of them even went as far as wanting to bet with his laptop that Obama was not going to win, but I stopped him, telling him he was not an American, hence, couldn't vouch for who the Americans would vote for. I said "only he who wears the shoe knows wear it pinches". He took my advice. Thank God he did, else, he would have lost his PC. lol. Up until the last moment, I never was sure who would win the election.

I knew Barack was leading in the opinion polls, but still was not sure what the election outcome was going to be, until I heard a loud shout in the wee hours of the morning, from my living room. I panicked and ran to the living room only to find my siblings rejoicing over Obama's victory.

I am happy for Americans, I am happy for the fact that they want CHANGE. They have used one side of the coin for a long time and are ready for the other side of the coin.

Now, America 'player-haters' may regard Americans with more respect than they were accorded in the past.

On the other hand, I am almost sure this can NEVER happen in any part of Europe, lol. (Just stating a fact).

I still can not believe he did it!!!! If this can happen, then nothing is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone, as long as they are hard working and determined to achieve what they want. Perseverance goes a long way to achieve what you want!

No more excuses y'all! lol.

Electoral votes: The winner only needed 270 votes.

Obama had 364 votes while McCain had 162 votes.

Popular votes result:

Obama had 65,293,083 votes while McCain had 57,325,487 votes. See the difference??

What an ass whooping result! Hahaha.

These pictures were taken on election day! U can check out more of these pics on flickr.

Congratulations Mr President elect!!!

Lewis Hamilton,wins F1 World Champion

Lewis Hamilton is the world's youngest Formula 1 Champion ever! He only needed to come fifth or above in today's race in Brazil and he did it!! Felipe Massa was first by about 20seconds, Fernando Alonso was behind him followed by Kimi Raikkonen.

I was so tense when the race got to only 2 laps to go and Lewis was 5th, then 6th, behind Glock. I was like, 'please don't ruin ur chance man!' I was jumping up and down the couch urging Hamilton on (as if i could lift him up and make him fly past others, lol), then by a stroke of luck, Glock slowed down and Hamilton drove past him. And i was....thank God, Hamilton , this is ur chance..... and he did it!!! He came fifth!!! He was only 1 point ahead of Massa! Hamilton was...I think 98, while Massa was 97.
Massa won today's race, but he was so down cast. Massa's team were celebrating after he had crossed the line (cos Hamilton was in the 6th position after Massa had already won) but alas! Hamilton drove past Glock and won it!!!

I am sorry but I couldn't help but laugh when I saw the look Massa's team's faces when Hamilton drove past Glock. When he won, my happiness knew no bound cos he deserved to win.

What with what all the 'head ache' he had with ex-team mate, Fernando Alonso, before Alonso moved to Renault.
The incident with Ferrari: when a Ferrari driver pushed him off track during one of their previous races. He lost points because of that swerve, he appealed for Ferrari to be penalised but his appeal went unheeded.
I remember during one of their previous races, he avoided being hit by one of the drivers during a grand prix (can't remember which one now) and had to drive across the grass. He won the race but he was penalised for cutting corners, he lost some points and was pushed down to either 3rd or 4th. So, when the Ferrari incident happened, I was pissed when his appeal was brushed off.

Anyways, what matters now is that he has won the championship!!! He is the youngest man to ever win a F1 Championship and the 1st Black man (Ok, his mum is white and his dad white, but we are claiming him, lol)to ever win it!!! Congratulations man!

Oh i forgot, Nicole Schwaregegddkfkfv ...(Pussy cat doll lead singer)lol was there.
I didn't even know they were dating. I was like, "what is pussy cat doll doing there?" My sister said she was dating a car racer, and I said 'there's no f**king way it could be Lewis, she is a lot older than him", then i saw his brother in front of her and i was like...'what???',lol. Imagine Nicole and Lewis, lol, like I always say 'Money talks, bullshit walks!'
Anyways, back to my gist. She was very calm but kinda 'on edge' when the race was on, but as soon as Lewis won, she was so exhilarated! She stood directly behind Nicholas, Lewis' brother, and kept touching Lewis when he was kissing his brother. He didn't touch her, only acknowledged her presence by looking at her as he walked away.
He moved inside the pit (or whatever they call that room) and was hugging and kissing his dad, Nicole schwahdufjjlfjf, lol, (sorry, her name is too difficult to spell, lol) was there again, hugging him, he moved away from her and went celebrating with his team members, she walked to his dad and kissed and hugged him. My sister and I kept thinking....'why the fuck is she making a mess of herself?',lol. I thought she was a star, haha, no one recognised her there. She looked pretty, but all her make up was gone, she was like a star struck fan of Lewis'.

Hamilton moved away from the crowd, she kinda tried to follow him, but the crowd swallowed him up, lol. He moved to a private room where he was with his dad and some other team members, lol. We couldn't stop laughing at her nonsensity! (to borrow Chief Zebrudaya's English) hahaha. Very embarrassing! Lol.

13 year old Somali girl killed for saying she was raped

have I saw this scroll past on the news (as breaking news this afternoon) but the report wasn't given in detail, so i went online to search for the full detail.

Read the gory info:

A 13-year-old girl who said she had been raped was stoned to death in Somalia after being accused of adultery by Islamic militants, a human rights group said.

Dozens of men stoned Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow to death Oct. 27 in a stadium packed with 1,000 spectators in the southern port city of Kismayo, Amnesty International and Somali media reported, citing witnesses. The Islamic militia in charge of Kismayo had accused her of adultery after she reported that three men had raped her, the rights group said.

Initial local media reports said Duhulow was 23, but her father told Amnesty International she was 13. Some of the Somali journalists who first reported the killing later told Amnesty International that they had reported she was 23 based upon her physical appearance.

Can anyone f**king believe this??? A 13 year old girl was raped by THREE MEN, rather than jail them for the abomination they committed they stoned the poor child to death for speaking out!!!!

This child suffered a horrible death for just being a girl in a fucked up society!!!! Geeeee men!!!

WTF??? W hat the f**k is wrong with these people??? I am soooooooooooooooooo f**king pissed right now that i am not gonna write anything further to avoid shit! Is there any justice in this f**ked up world??? I am soooooo angry. If I were ....

Again WTF????

Safe sex

I saw this advert and couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard there were tears in my eyes and my tummy hurt. I enjoyed it so much that i decided to share it! Hahahahaha.


No offense meant but, i think this is very funny. A'riya riya...somebody stop me!!! Hahaha.

LATERAL THINKING PROWESS

CHECK YOUR LATERAL THINKING. THE FIRST 4 ARE THE QUESTIONS AND THE LAST 4 ARE THE ANSWERS

DO NOT LOOK AT THE ANSWERS FIRST !!!!!

THESE ARE REALLY GOOD !!!! TRY IT OUT

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Answer

Funnies

Hahaha, they are all urs man, stop playing around. Hahaha

Haha.

Another one that i like. Hahaha. I am sure some men feel like this sometimes.haha

This is another goldie!! Loves it! hahaha

Hahaha, e dey go pack shit! Hahaha.

Sure! Ride on ride on!

I love this one, chasis!!.. my favorite! Hahaha...This woman is in big trouble. Loves it!!!

This is an all timer!! Hahaha

Loves it! Hahahaha.

Sheep shagging bastard!!! Hahaha.

Alarm don blow!

U need to enlarge this one to be able to read it.




Hahaha, poor guy. I am sure he would have preferred.....hahaha