jokes

11 Signs You're Crazy About Someone

Eleven: You walk really slowly when you're with them.
Ten: You feel shy whenever they're around.
Nine: You smile when you hear their voice.
Eight: When you look at them,you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
Six: They're all you think about.
Five: You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.
Four: You would do anything for them, just to see them.
Three: While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.
Two: You were so busy thinking about that person, you didn't notice seven was missing.
One: You just scrolled up to check and are now silently laughing at yourself. Now make a wish. You know you want to...
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FARMER'S DAUGHTERS
A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he
tended to be a little overprotective of his daughters. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a
shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.

One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates. The
doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door. A
gentlemen said,

Hi, I'm Joe,
I'm here for Flo,
We're going' to the show,
Is she ready to go?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the
door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Eddie,
I'm here for Betty,
We're getting' spaghetti,
Is she ready?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the
door. A gentleman said,

Hi, I'm Chuck,

And the farmer shot him.
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Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'."
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios!"
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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
___________________________________________________

The frog and the Endowed
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there.
"Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks.
Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again,
"Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you?
No. No. NO!"
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father...

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a Twinkie snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber smiles down at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits, too!"