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Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Apple iTit and the Dentist joke
Apple iTit
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that is not only safe, but can store and play music as well.
The iTit will cost from $700 - $900, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered to be a major social breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.... Lmao!
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, love, and show him."
Lol.
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that is not only safe, but can store and play music as well.
The iTit will cost from $700 - $900, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered to be a major social breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.... Lmao!
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, love, and show him."
Lol.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Laugh out loud
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure. Classic! Lmbo!!
-------------------------------------
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!"
"I can’t jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "I’m n...aked and it’s raining cats and dogs."
"If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!" she replied. "He’s got a very quick temper and a shotgun!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it’s raining," he replied.
-------------------------------
A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!"
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and say...s, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They precede to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife’s mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to fuck the same cow every day."
---------------------------------------
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two children. She walks around the shop, picks what she wants and goes to the counter to pay.
The man behind the counter can’t help but stare at this really offensive looking woman with her two children.
She puts her shopping on the counter and as the man is scanning the items the ugly woman gets all offended by his constant staring and asks him what he i...s staring at.
The man asks whether her kids are twins.
She says "No. one is 12 the other is 7. Why ask?"
"Well......I just couldn’t believe someone would fuck you twice!"
---------------------------------
A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I picked out the largest a...nd most heavily tattooed biker, punched him on the nose, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, then told him, "Now, leave her alone or things are really going to get really ugly!"
St. Peter was impressed and asked "When did this happen?"
"About ten minutes ago."
----------------------
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
------------------------------
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What’s wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and ...we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure. Classic! Lmbo!!
-------------------------------------
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!"
"I can’t jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "I’m n...aked and it’s raining cats and dogs."
"If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!" she replied. "He’s got a very quick temper and a shotgun!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it’s raining," he replied.
-------------------------------
A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!"
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and say...s, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They precede to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife’s mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to fuck the same cow every day."
---------------------------------------
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two children. She walks around the shop, picks what she wants and goes to the counter to pay.
The man behind the counter can’t help but stare at this really offensive looking woman with her two children.
She puts her shopping on the counter and as the man is scanning the items the ugly woman gets all offended by his constant staring and asks him what he i...s staring at.
The man asks whether her kids are twins.
She says "No. one is 12 the other is 7. Why ask?"
"Well......I just couldn’t believe someone would fuck you twice!"
---------------------------------
A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I picked out the largest a...nd most heavily tattooed biker, punched him on the nose, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, then told him, "Now, leave her alone or things are really going to get really ugly!"
St. Peter was impressed and asked "When did this happen?"
"About ten minutes ago."
----------------------
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
------------------------------
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What’s wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and ...we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
More jokes
72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
----------------------
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
----------------------
Old joke:
Husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed. She turned to him and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," he answered.
She then said, "Is that your final answer?"
He didn't even look at her this time, simply saying "Yes."
So she said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.
-----------------------
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
----------------------
Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?""Condoms.""Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday" "Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?" "For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." "Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk. With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February..."
Hahahahahaha...
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
----------------------
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
----------------------
Old joke:
Husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed. She turned to him and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," he answered.
She then said, "Is that your final answer?"
He didn't even look at her this time, simply saying "Yes."
So she said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.
-----------------------
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
----------------------
Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?""Condoms.""Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday" "Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?" "For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." "Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk. With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February..."
Hahahahahaha...
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Meet me at the coffee shop
I couldn't stop watching this video, I laughed so hard each time I shed tears, lol.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs!
Men are like that, you know, lol.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs!
Men are like that, you know, lol.
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