Lie detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was
about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned
home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?"
asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Awesome pictures

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing...'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Sally on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Sally was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Irish jokes

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be r*ped by a dozen whor*s than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole fr*ggin' bed by the looks of it!'

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your ar*e if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a brooodily death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya f*rt? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your kn*ckers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

Golf update

A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.

"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

Bullet proof clothes

This is so awesome!!!

I got this from VBS.TV
Read on -- Colombian tailor Miguel Caballero specializes in making garments that enable the wearer to get shot at point-blank range with nary an injury besides, maybe, a bruised ego. At-high-risk-of-catching-a-bullet demographics, such as rappers and politicians all over the world, rely on Miguel's handiwork. And, lucky me, when I was recently in Bogota for VBS.TV covering a few stories, I had the chance to visit Miguel's shop, learn about his protective clothing, and get shot in the gut by him. Seriously.

Check this out

Pants on the ground

Decided to have fun with 'General' Larry Platt's song 'Pants on the Ground'.
Enjoy and crack yourself up, lol.




For those who didn't watch the 'Pants on the ground' performance on American Idol, this is General Larry Platt, the 'Pants on the ground' crooner.



This is the current most popular song in the US. General Platt's song now has several types of remix on youtube,it is played on the radio and everywhere else. People are making money off this 62 year old man, putting pictures of his face on mugs, Tshirts etc but he isn't getting a dime out of it.

He needs a copyrighter ASAP, that's what he needs, lol.

Meet me at the coffee shop

I couldn't stop watching this video, I laughed so hard each time I shed tears, lol.
Enjoy!

Check for Alzheimer's

Pretty Amazing.

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I
betcha' you'll have a good laugh.

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs!


Men are like that, you know, lol.

Tiger Wood's new movie

District 9

District 9 is one of the shittiest, most ignorant movies I have ever seen in my life! The Director and Producers are apparently very ignorant about South Africans and Nigerians, especially Nigerians. The atrocities they said Nigerians were involved in in that movie was ARRANT NONSENSE and Non-existent.

The actors that were portrayed as Nigerian thugs were not Nigerians, they all spoke a language foreign to any of the languages in Nigeria and couldn't even fake the Nigerian accent. It was very pathetic.

What is wrong with some people? It is so wrong to make up fictitious information about a country and its people because, other people with no knowledge of Nigeria and its people would assume we were like that.

I thought all reputable producers and directors thoroughly researched about a country/people they have no knowledge about???? They apparently didn't know what they were doing because they were all over the place in the movie. The story line was shitty, they couldn't get their acts right, they were completely confused about where they wanted the movie to go, et al.

The movie was set up in Johannesburg (South Africa) but all they talked about were Nigerians. They portrayed Jo'burg as an impoverished and ugly city, which is VERY FAR from the truth. Jo'burg has slums just like every other country in the world does, but the city is VERY VERY beautiful unlike its portrayal in the movie.

I am VERY disappointed in the lack of research by the makers of the movie and I honestly feel sorry for their ignorance.

Again, District 9 is the shittiest movie of the year! Congratulations.

Man spent 35years in jail for a crime he didnt commit now has $1.75mil

James Bain used a cell phone for the first time Thursday, calling his elderly mother to tell her he had been freed after 35 years behind bars for a crime he did not commit.

Mobile devices didn't exist in 1974, the year he was sentenced to life in prison for kidnapping a 9-year-old boy and raping him in a nearby field.

Neither did the sophisticated DNA testing that officials more recently used to determine he could not have been the rapist.

"Nothing can replace the years Jamie has lost," said Seth Miller, a lawyer for the Florida Innocence Project, which helped Bain win freedom. "Today is a day of renewal."

Bain spent more time in prison than any of the 246 inmates previously exonerated by DNA evidence nationwide, according to the project. The longest-serving before him was James Lee Woodard of Dallas, who was released last year after spending more than 27 years in prison for a murder he did not commit.

As Bain walked out of the Polk County courthouse Thursday, wearing a black T-shirt that said "not guilty," he spoke of his deep faith and said he does not harbor any anger.

"No, I'm not angry," he said. "Because I've got God."

The 54-year-old said he looks forward to eating fried turkey and drinking Dr Pepper. He said he also hopes to go back to school.

Friends and family surrounded him as he left the courthouse after Judge James Yancey ordered him freed. His 77-year-old mother, who is in poor health, preferred to wait for him at home. With a broad smile, he said he looks forward to spending time with her and the rest of his family.

"That's the most important thing in my life right now, besides God," he said.

Earlier, the courtroom erupted in applause after Yancey ruled.

"Mr. Bain, I'm now signing the order," Yancey said. "You're a free man. Congratulations."

Thursday's hearing was delayed 40 minutes because prosecutors were on the phone with the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. DNA tests were expedited at the department's lab and ultimately proved Bain innocent. Prosecutors filed a motion to vacate the conviction and the sentence.

"He's just not connected to this particular incident," State Attorney Jerry Hill told the judge.

Attorneys from the Innocence Project of Florida got involved in Bain's case earlier this year after he had filed several previous petitions asking for DNA testing, all of which were thrown out.

A judge finally ordered the tests and the results from a respected private lab in Cincinnati came in last week, setting the wheels in motion for Thursday's hearing. The Innocence Project had called for Bain's release by Christmas.

He was convicted largely on the strength of the victim's eyewitness identification, though testing available at the time did not definitively link him to the crime. The boy said his attacker had bushy sideburns and a mustache. The boy's uncle, a former assistant principal at a high school, said it sounded like Bain, a former student.

The boy picked Bain out of a photo lineup, although there are lingering questions about whether detectives steered him.

The jury rejected Bain's story that he was home watching TV with his twin sister when the crime was committed, an alibi she repeated at a news conference last week. He was 19 when he was sentenced.

Ed Threadgill, who prosecuted the case originally, said he didn't recall all the specifics, but the conviction seemed right at the time.

"I wish we had had that evidence back when we were prosecuting cases. I'm ecstatic the man has been released," said Threadgill, now a 77-year-old retired appeals court judge. "The whole system is set up to keep that from happening. It failed."

Eric Ferrero, spokesman for the Innocence Project, said a DNA profile can be extracted from decades-old evidence if it has been preserved properly. That means sealed in a bag and stored in a climate-controlled place, which is how most evidence is handled as a matter of routine.

The project has a bigger problem with lost or destroyed evidence than getting usable DNA profiles from existing evidence, he said.

Florida last year passed a law that automatically grants former inmates found innocent $50,000 for each year they spent in prison. No legislative approval is needed. That means Bain is entitled to $1.75 million.

A man's playmate

A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies,

"If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,

you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Revenge

A boy about 13 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a brothel and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the Dose that I just caught."

"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it."

"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and......


HE'S the bastard who ran over my frog!"

Tiger Woods Family Christmas Portrait

I couldnt resist to upload this picture when I saw it! Hahahaha. Enjoy!



Tiger Woods jokes started shortly after he had the 2:05am accident last week and rumors of a relationship with a cocktail waitress, Jaimee Grubbs started. Enjoy,lol.


What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seals?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.


That accident was the first time Tiger Woods failed to drive 300 yards


Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree ... he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver.

"Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant".


I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can't see the Woods for the trees.


Tiger's wife went for him after he scored a birdie.


What was the second worst part of Tiger's car accident? The police found the driver in the trunk.


What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.


What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Shaquille O Neal and Shaniya Davis

Remember beautiful 5 year old Shaniya Davis whose Mom sold her into child prostitution in order to pay off money she owed her assole drug partner? Remember also, that her body was found some days later, raped and strangled? Shaniya went missing on November 10th, her body was found on 16th November, 2009.Remember her Mom, Antionette Davis, who had reported the child missing six days earlier, is charged with human trafficking and child abuse involving prostitution.
Photos taken from surveillance cameras showed Mario McNeill carrying Shaniya through a hotel nearly 30 miles from where she disappeared. Police were alerted to Shaniya's presence after she was recognized by a hotel clerk, but she and McNeill had both left by the time police arrivedthe guy she owed drug money has been charged with murder, rape and kidnapping in the case.
(For those who dont know the full story: Antionette who had a one night thing with Bradley got pregnant, but wasnt financially able to take care of her baby, so as soon as she had her daughter,she gave her to Bradley. Shaniya Davis had lived with her father, Bradley Lockhart,for the past 5 years but oly went to visit her Mom for one month when this tragedy befell her. Bradley Lockhart has blamed himself for letting his daughter visit her biological mother for a month).
After Shaniya's death, Bradley and his family set up a trust fund in memory of Shaniya to help raise money to pay for the funeral.

Well, basketball star Shaquille O'Neal saw the story on the news and decided to help pay for the funeral after being moved by national news coverage of the case of Shaniya Davis, who police say was kidnapped and killed. The Cleveland Cavaliers player was touched by the stories he saw and got in touch with the family to see what he could do to help, a spokeswoman for O'Neal said Thursday.

More than 2,000 people attended the girl's funeral on Sunday.

"I was sitting at home watching it on the news and the story brought a tear to my eye," O'Neal told The Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper.

Corey Breece, of Rogers and Breece Funeral Home, which handled the service, declined to tell the Fayetteville Observer newspaper how much it cost but added that a child's funeral "averages around $4,500."

Her beautiful life was cut short by a Mother who had no clue to life.
May her soul rest in Peace, Amen.

Alligator shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and

hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

‘CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

Never Underestimate A Texas Redneck

A Redneck from Sweetwater , Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.

Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

His name was BUBBA...

Wisdom

A Holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

The Lord led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.
In the middle of the room was a large round table..
In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly..
They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.
But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths...
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell'.
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water.
The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump,laughing and talking.

The holy man said, 'I don't understand.
'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill.
You see, they have learned to feed each other. The greedy think only of themselves.'

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom are married

6ft 10inches tall Lamar Odom of L.A. Lakers just got married to Khloe Kardashian. I was surprised to hear it on E! News that, the couple who had been dating for only one month tied the knots during the weekend.

The 29-year-old basketball star and the 25-year-old reality TV starlet were married on Sunday at a private residence in Beverly Hills.

The bride was walked down the aisle by her stepfather, Bruce Jenner.
The wedding was attended by numerous stars, including older sisters Kourtney and Kim Kardashian.

Kim as one of the bride-maids.

Kim with on and off bf, Reggie Bush

Kim and Kourtney Kardashian as some of the bride maids.
Some of the invited guests were Kobe Bryant and Wife, Vanessa.

At the beginning, it was Khloe, Kim and Kourtney and the rest of the family on the TV reality show 'Keeping up with the Kardashians', then the sisters got pissed cos Kim was getting all the attention and she(Kim) always said her sisters were jealous of her. The two sisters, Kourtney and Khloe moved to Miami and started their own reality show, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.
Kourtney got pregnant by her on and off man whom she almost married in Las Vegas, Scott,Kourtney and Scott

now she hangs out with her BFF, Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett and now Khloe is married, lol. I am not gonna say what I think these sisters are trying to do, lol. Maybe they are trying to get more attention to themselves than their baby sister is by pulling these publicity stunts,lol, anyways, I wish the newly-weds a long and happy marriage.
Lamar Odom is a man on the rise. He continues to shine on the basketball court, as an entrepreneur, and as a father to his children, Destiny and Lamar Jr.


U can check Lamar out on his website: www.lamarodom.com Oh, just wondering, does anyone know if his father is/was Nigerian?

2 old geezers

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

Uwem Akpan picked by Oprah Winfrey

Nigerian author Uwem Akpan, who is a Jesuit priest, is a prolific story writer. He was ordained a priest in 2003 and received his MFA (Masters) in creative writing from the University of Michigan in 2006. Uwem studied philosophy and English at Creighton and Gonzaga universities then studied theology for three years at the Catholic University of Eastern Africa.
He was ordained as a Jesuit priest in 2003 and received his master's degree in creative writing from the University of Michigan in 2006.

Uwem's collection of short stories was chosen by influential US talk show host Oprah Winfrey for her book club.

Oprah picked “Say You’re One Of Them” as her 63rd book club selection, the first time she has chosen a book of short stories, saying these stories “left me stunned and profoundly moved.”

His story collection was first published last year by Little Brown. The five stories are each set in a different African country -- Benin, Ethiopia, Kenya, Nigeria and Rwanda -- and are told through the eyes of children aged 6 to 16. The book was published this month by Little Brown.

"Children are living through these conflicts. Some of them have seen horrible things." Akpan, 37, said in an interview.

He said he began the book by brainstorming the problems in Africa that worried him most, and decided that telling them from the point of view of children would increase their power.

"I listed the issues about Africa. And these issues are not all in one country, thank God," he said.

One story, "My Parents' Bedroom," is set during the Rwandan genocide of 1994 and narrated by a 9-year-old girl who watches her Hutu father kill her Tutsi mother with a machete.

Akpan has never been to Rwanda but he said he followed reports of the genocide in the Nigerian press.

The collection, published in 2008, includes five separate stories from the perspective of an African child that were described as capturing the resilience of children growing up in the face of unimaginable devastation.

This is a Nigerian one should be very proud of. Keep up the good work!

Check his book out at Amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/Say-Youre-Them-Uwem-Akpan/dp/0316113956/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253548677&sr=8-1

Weldone Uwem!!!!

I already ordered the book via amazon.com for $8.99, shipping & Handling:$3.99, total for this Order was $12.98. It will arrive in my home within 3-5days. Yaaay!!!


Update:
Sept 24th, 2009.
Yaaaaaaaay, my copy of 'Say You're One of Them' arrived today thru UPS! I made the purchase via amazon.com
Gonna start reading it 2nite! Yippee!!!

Some old jokes

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


Keep reading - they get better!!!

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--------

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

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--------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she...
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

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--------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

What is wrong with Kanye West?

What's up with this attention seeking dude??????????? He likes so much attention that he'd step on other people's emotion just to get noticed regardless of the fact that it makes him look like a complete assole( Pardon my vocabulary).

Who asked for his opinion? I hear Taylor Swift's song every day at work to the point that it drives me crazy, but it isn't the girl's fault that her song is among the top ten songs and is played EVERYDAY on radio. He should have allowed her enjoy her moment when she won The Best Female Video for "You Belong With Me". I have never watched the Video but like I said earlier, I hear that song E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y at work!!! To the extent that I even know more than half of the words in the song, lol.

The 19 year old country singer was in the middle of her acceptance speech at the VMA awards, she was so excited while making her speech when all of a sudden, Kanye materialised from nowhere, took the Mic from her, told her he'd let her finish her speech, then went ahead to say "I'm sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time," then handed the Mic back to Taylor...everyone was shocked including Beyonce herself. The poor girl was stunned and speechless for more than a minute or two. Why does Kanye like being a d''k?

The good thing however is that, Beyonce came on stage wearing a very nice red dress, called Taylor from back stage, gave her a hug and asked her to give another shot at her acceptance speech, this time the now recovered girl made a very nice speech.
Beyonce and Taylor both wore nice red dresses.

Gani Fawenhimi is gone

What?????????????????????? Noooooooooooooooo!!!!

That was my reaction when I read about Chief Gani Fawenhinmi's passing. WTF??? How can someone so good and who fought so much for some semblance of sanity to prevail in our 'beloved' country leave??? This is so so sad. I pray that God gives his family the fortitude to bear this GREAT LOSS to humanity!!! Nigeria will miss you. This is a GREAT LOSS to the Nation.

When I read about his passing? I said What??? This was one of the ONLY THREE worthy people in Nigeria who had the country's best interest at heart and now he is gone???
Again, this is a HUGE loss to the country.

May his soul rest in peace.


This was an excerpt from someone on face book:
Yepppppaaaaaa!!!!That was my reaction when i heard the death of Chief Gani Fawehinmi early this morning,i see him as one of the only three trustworthy Nigerian left and one of the people who served humanity till they left this world.

Even during his battle with cancer Chief Gani Fawehinmi was still fighting while he was in hospital right here in London,i know most of the people who he fought will now be happy he is gone but i know his spirit his right here with us and help us carry through.

No Nigerian person, either living or dead, has sacrificed his personal freedom more frequently, and under more perilous circumstances, than Barrister Gani Fawehinmi has done during his exemplary lifetime of epic struggle for justice and against the twin tyrannies of military rule and state oppression in Nigeria.

Simultaneously, and with no fanfare, Barrister Gani Fawehinmi SAN parlayed the bulk of his personal wealth into sponsoring the education of scores of promising Nigerians from poor backgrounds, selected for that upliftment by virtue of their intellectual and academic prowess, but never on the basis of tribal lineage or religious persuasion.

The passing of Gani Fawehinmi fills my heart with profound sorrow, and my eyes with unashamed tears, as I realize that the free, just and progressive nation of Nigeria, for which Gani struggled to attain with every waking moment of his heroic life, never came to be during the lifetime of the man who gave so much, and who ultimately gave his all, for his fatherland.


Rest in Peace, Gani.

We will love you and all you represent for ever, and we will tell our grandchildren your great achievement.

Usain Bolt

Amazng Usain Bolt smashed the 100 meters world record on Sunday 15th August 2009, in Berlin.



Bolt improved the 100m world record to 9.58 seconds to win his first World Championship gold medal in what was the largest ever margin of improvement in the 100m world record since the beginning of electronic timing. Is he human? Wow the guy is soooo....Cant find the proper word to decribe him with.

Pete Edochie kidnapped

I was shocked when I heard Pete Edochie, 'Ebube-Dike', 'Okonkwo' (Things Fall apart) had been kidnapped. I quickly went online to confirm the story and alas, Vanguard newspaper confirmed it.

Our own veteran. Na wa o! What is going on in our own beloved country?

I undertsnad his son, Uche Edochie confirmed that his father was being driven from his country home in Enugu in the company of his family members when armed men stopped the car he was travelling in.



For more info, please read: www.vanguardngr.com/2009/08/16/pete-edochie-kidnapped/comment-page-5/