I know this might be old, but it is very very funny.
Church Analytics
Friday, September 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
CATHOLIC COFFEE
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
slim,
tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
slim,
tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Rugby fanatic or what?
Man said to wife
"Right you sexy thing, upstairs now"
She looked at him and said:
"Ooh, you kinky bastard"
He said "No, seriously, the rugby's starting, now f*#k off'
Exceptional moment, lol. ROTFLMAO!!!
"Right you sexy thing, upstairs now"
She looked at him and said:
"Ooh, you kinky bastard"
He said "No, seriously, the rugby's starting, now f*#k off'
Exceptional moment, lol. ROTFLMAO!!!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Paddy
Paddy needed money. He went to playground, grabbed a kid, and said, “I’ve kidnapped u."
He wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped ur kid.Tomorrow,put £10,000 in a bag put it by the tree in the playground. Signed, Irishman."
He then pinned the note to the kid and sent him home.
The next morning paddy checked. A paper bag was there with the £10,000 inside, with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Irishman?"
He wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped ur kid.Tomorrow,put £10,000 in a bag put it by the tree in the playground. Signed, Irishman."
He then pinned the note to the kid and sent him home.
The next morning paddy checked. A paper bag was there with the £10,000 inside, with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Irishman?"
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The State trooper and the speeder
I got this joke from someone who likes to read my blog/jokes. Thanks Anonymous! Enjoy people!
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Laugh out loud
Nude Runner
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I cannot jump out the window. It is raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he will kill us both!' she replied.
'He has got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them..
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope...just when it is raining.'
The Blonde and the Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Oklahoma. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that miserable idiot on your knee!"
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I cannot jump out the window. It is raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he will kill us both!' she replied.
'He has got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them..
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope...just when it is raining.'
The Blonde and the Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Oklahoma. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that miserable idiot on your knee!"
Friday, May 21, 2010
The obedient wife
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, & was a real miser when it came to spending it.
Just before he died, he said to his wife,"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I worked for it, it's mine and I want to take it to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of his money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it into the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Her friend sitting with her said, "Girl, surely you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband?."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an obedient wife and that was my
dear husband's last wish; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I would put all his money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you buried all that money in the casket !?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it!"
Just before he died, he said to his wife,"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I worked for it, it's mine and I want to take it to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of his money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it into the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Her friend sitting with her said, "Girl, surely you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband?."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an obedient wife and that was my
dear husband's last wish; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I would put all his money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you buried all that money in the casket !?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it!"
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Linda Ikeji's book, It takes you
My sister's book 'It takes you' is out...yaaaaay!!!
An official book launch/presentation has been scheduled for -
Date: Wednesday May 5th 2010
Venue: Theatre 5, Genesis Deluxe Cinema, The Palms, Lekki. Lagos, Nigeria.
Time: 5pm
Book signing session – Saturday May 8th, 2010
Venue: The Hub Media Store, The Palms, Lekki, Lagos, Nigeria
Time: 2pm
Check out the full detail on Linda's blog, www.lindaikeji.blogspot.com
An official book launch/presentation has been scheduled for -
Date: Wednesday May 5th 2010
Venue: Theatre 5, Genesis Deluxe Cinema, The Palms, Lekki. Lagos, Nigeria.
Time: 5pm
Book signing session – Saturday May 8th, 2010
Venue: The Hub Media Store, The Palms, Lekki, Lagos, Nigeria
Time: 2pm
Check out the full detail on Linda's blog, www.lindaikeji.blogspot.com
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was
about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned
home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?"
asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair..
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was
about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned
home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?"
asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair..
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing...'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Sally on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Sally was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing...'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Sally on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Sally was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Irish jokes
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be r*ped by a dozen whor*s than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole fr*ggin' bed by the looks of it!'
Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your ar*e if you get a dodgy one!
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a brooodily death trap!
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya f*rt? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your kn*ckers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be r*ped by a dozen whor*s than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole fr*ggin' bed by the looks of it!'
Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your ar*e if you get a dodgy one!
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a brooodily death trap!
Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya f*rt? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your kn*ckers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Everytime I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off..
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'
Friday, February 12, 2010
Golf update
A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Bullet proof clothes
This is so awesome!!!
I got this from VBS.TV
Read on -- Colombian tailor Miguel Caballero specializes in making garments that enable the wearer to get shot at point-blank range with nary an injury besides, maybe, a bruised ego. At-high-risk-of-catching-a-bullet demographics, such as rappers and politicians all over the world, rely on Miguel's handiwork. And, lucky me, when I was recently in Bogota for VBS.TV covering a few stories, I had the chance to visit Miguel's shop, learn about his protective clothing, and get shot in the gut by him. Seriously.
Check this out
I got this from VBS.TV
Read on -- Colombian tailor Miguel Caballero specializes in making garments that enable the wearer to get shot at point-blank range with nary an injury besides, maybe, a bruised ego. At-high-risk-of-catching-a-bullet demographics, such as rappers and politicians all over the world, rely on Miguel's handiwork. And, lucky me, when I was recently in Bogota for VBS.TV covering a few stories, I had the chance to visit Miguel's shop, learn about his protective clothing, and get shot in the gut by him. Seriously.
Check this out
Friday, January 22, 2010
Pants on the ground
Decided to have fun with 'General' Larry Platt's song 'Pants on the Ground'.
Enjoy and crack yourself up, lol.
For those who didn't watch the 'Pants on the ground' performance on American Idol, this is General Larry Platt, the 'Pants on the ground' crooner.
This is the current most popular song in the US. General Platt's song now has several types of remix on youtube,it is played on the radio and everywhere else. People are making money off this 62 year old man, putting pictures of his face on mugs, Tshirts etc but he isn't getting a dime out of it.
He needs a copyrighter ASAP, that's what he needs, lol.
Enjoy and crack yourself up, lol.
For those who didn't watch the 'Pants on the ground' performance on American Idol, this is General Larry Platt, the 'Pants on the ground' crooner.
This is the current most popular song in the US. General Platt's song now has several types of remix on youtube,it is played on the radio and everywhere else. People are making money off this 62 year old man, putting pictures of his face on mugs, Tshirts etc but he isn't getting a dime out of it.
He needs a copyrighter ASAP, that's what he needs, lol.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Meet me at the coffee shop
I couldn't stop watching this video, I laughed so hard each time I shed tears, lol.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Check for Alzheimer's
Pretty Amazing.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I
betcha' you'll have a good laugh.
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I
betcha' you'll have a good laugh.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs!
Men are like that, you know, lol.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs!
Men are like that, you know, lol.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
District 9
District 9 is one of the shittiest, most ignorant movies I have ever seen in my life! The Director and Producers are apparently very ignorant about South Africans and Nigerians, especially Nigerians. The atrocities they said Nigerians were involved in in that movie was ARRANT NONSENSE and Non-existent.
The actors that were portrayed as Nigerian thugs were not Nigerians, they all spoke a language foreign to any of the languages in Nigeria and couldn't even fake the Nigerian accent. It was very pathetic.
What is wrong with some people? It is so wrong to make up fictitious information about a country and its people because, other people with no knowledge of Nigeria and its people would assume we were like that.
I thought all reputable producers and directors thoroughly researched about a country/people they have no knowledge about???? They apparently didn't know what they were doing because they were all over the place in the movie. The story line was shitty, they couldn't get their acts right, they were completely confused about where they wanted the movie to go, et al.
The movie was set up in Johannesburg (South Africa) but all they talked about were Nigerians. They portrayed Jo'burg as an impoverished and ugly city, which is VERY FAR from the truth. Jo'burg has slums just like every other country in the world does, but the city is VERY VERY beautiful unlike its portrayal in the movie.
I am VERY disappointed in the lack of research by the makers of the movie and I honestly feel sorry for their ignorance.
Again, District 9 is the shittiest movie of the year! Congratulations.
The actors that were portrayed as Nigerian thugs were not Nigerians, they all spoke a language foreign to any of the languages in Nigeria and couldn't even fake the Nigerian accent. It was very pathetic.
What is wrong with some people? It is so wrong to make up fictitious information about a country and its people because, other people with no knowledge of Nigeria and its people would assume we were like that.
I thought all reputable producers and directors thoroughly researched about a country/people they have no knowledge about???? They apparently didn't know what they were doing because they were all over the place in the movie. The story line was shitty, they couldn't get their acts right, they were completely confused about where they wanted the movie to go, et al.
The movie was set up in Johannesburg (South Africa) but all they talked about were Nigerians. They portrayed Jo'burg as an impoverished and ugly city, which is VERY FAR from the truth. Jo'burg has slums just like every other country in the world does, but the city is VERY VERY beautiful unlike its portrayal in the movie.
I am VERY disappointed in the lack of research by the makers of the movie and I honestly feel sorry for their ignorance.
Again, District 9 is the shittiest movie of the year! Congratulations.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Man spent 35years in jail for a crime he didnt commit now has $1.75mil
James Bain used a cell phone for the first time Thursday, calling his elderly mother to tell her he had been freed after 35 years behind bars for a crime he did not commit.
Mobile devices didn't exist in 1974, the year he was sentenced to life in prison for kidnapping a 9-year-old boy and raping him in a nearby field.
Neither did the sophisticated DNA testing that officials more recently used to determine he could not have been the rapist.
"Nothing can replace the years Jamie has lost," said Seth Miller, a lawyer for the Florida Innocence Project, which helped Bain win freedom. "Today is a day of renewal."
Bain spent more time in prison than any of the 246 inmates previously exonerated by DNA evidence nationwide, according to the project. The longest-serving before him was James Lee Woodard of Dallas, who was released last year after spending more than 27 years in prison for a murder he did not commit.
As Bain walked out of the Polk County courthouse Thursday, wearing a black T-shirt that said "not guilty," he spoke of his deep faith and said he does not harbor any anger.
"No, I'm not angry," he said. "Because I've got God."
The 54-year-old said he looks forward to eating fried turkey and drinking Dr Pepper. He said he also hopes to go back to school.
Friends and family surrounded him as he left the courthouse after Judge James Yancey ordered him freed. His 77-year-old mother, who is in poor health, preferred to wait for him at home. With a broad smile, he said he looks forward to spending time with her and the rest of his family.
"That's the most important thing in my life right now, besides God," he said.
Earlier, the courtroom erupted in applause after Yancey ruled.
"Mr. Bain, I'm now signing the order," Yancey said. "You're a free man. Congratulations."
Thursday's hearing was delayed 40 minutes because prosecutors were on the phone with the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. DNA tests were expedited at the department's lab and ultimately proved Bain innocent. Prosecutors filed a motion to vacate the conviction and the sentence.
"He's just not connected to this particular incident," State Attorney Jerry Hill told the judge.
Attorneys from the Innocence Project of Florida got involved in Bain's case earlier this year after he had filed several previous petitions asking for DNA testing, all of which were thrown out.
A judge finally ordered the tests and the results from a respected private lab in Cincinnati came in last week, setting the wheels in motion for Thursday's hearing. The Innocence Project had called for Bain's release by Christmas.
He was convicted largely on the strength of the victim's eyewitness identification, though testing available at the time did not definitively link him to the crime. The boy said his attacker had bushy sideburns and a mustache. The boy's uncle, a former assistant principal at a high school, said it sounded like Bain, a former student.
The boy picked Bain out of a photo lineup, although there are lingering questions about whether detectives steered him.
The jury rejected Bain's story that he was home watching TV with his twin sister when the crime was committed, an alibi she repeated at a news conference last week. He was 19 when he was sentenced.
Ed Threadgill, who prosecuted the case originally, said he didn't recall all the specifics, but the conviction seemed right at the time.
"I wish we had had that evidence back when we were prosecuting cases. I'm ecstatic the man has been released," said Threadgill, now a 77-year-old retired appeals court judge. "The whole system is set up to keep that from happening. It failed."
Eric Ferrero, spokesman for the Innocence Project, said a DNA profile can be extracted from decades-old evidence if it has been preserved properly. That means sealed in a bag and stored in a climate-controlled place, which is how most evidence is handled as a matter of routine.
The project has a bigger problem with lost or destroyed evidence than getting usable DNA profiles from existing evidence, he said.
Florida last year passed a law that automatically grants former inmates found innocent $50,000 for each year they spent in prison. No legislative approval is needed. That means Bain is entitled to $1.75 million.
Mobile devices didn't exist in 1974, the year he was sentenced to life in prison for kidnapping a 9-year-old boy and raping him in a nearby field.
Neither did the sophisticated DNA testing that officials more recently used to determine he could not have been the rapist.
"Nothing can replace the years Jamie has lost," said Seth Miller, a lawyer for the Florida Innocence Project, which helped Bain win freedom. "Today is a day of renewal."
Bain spent more time in prison than any of the 246 inmates previously exonerated by DNA evidence nationwide, according to the project. The longest-serving before him was James Lee Woodard of Dallas, who was released last year after spending more than 27 years in prison for a murder he did not commit.
As Bain walked out of the Polk County courthouse Thursday, wearing a black T-shirt that said "not guilty," he spoke of his deep faith and said he does not harbor any anger.
"No, I'm not angry," he said. "Because I've got God."
The 54-year-old said he looks forward to eating fried turkey and drinking Dr Pepper. He said he also hopes to go back to school.
Friends and family surrounded him as he left the courthouse after Judge James Yancey ordered him freed. His 77-year-old mother, who is in poor health, preferred to wait for him at home. With a broad smile, he said he looks forward to spending time with her and the rest of his family.
"That's the most important thing in my life right now, besides God," he said.
Earlier, the courtroom erupted in applause after Yancey ruled.
"Mr. Bain, I'm now signing the order," Yancey said. "You're a free man. Congratulations."
Thursday's hearing was delayed 40 minutes because prosecutors were on the phone with the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. DNA tests were expedited at the department's lab and ultimately proved Bain innocent. Prosecutors filed a motion to vacate the conviction and the sentence.
"He's just not connected to this particular incident," State Attorney Jerry Hill told the judge.
Attorneys from the Innocence Project of Florida got involved in Bain's case earlier this year after he had filed several previous petitions asking for DNA testing, all of which were thrown out.
A judge finally ordered the tests and the results from a respected private lab in Cincinnati came in last week, setting the wheels in motion for Thursday's hearing. The Innocence Project had called for Bain's release by Christmas.
He was convicted largely on the strength of the victim's eyewitness identification, though testing available at the time did not definitively link him to the crime. The boy said his attacker had bushy sideburns and a mustache. The boy's uncle, a former assistant principal at a high school, said it sounded like Bain, a former student.
The boy picked Bain out of a photo lineup, although there are lingering questions about whether detectives steered him.
The jury rejected Bain's story that he was home watching TV with his twin sister when the crime was committed, an alibi she repeated at a news conference last week. He was 19 when he was sentenced.
Ed Threadgill, who prosecuted the case originally, said he didn't recall all the specifics, but the conviction seemed right at the time.
"I wish we had had that evidence back when we were prosecuting cases. I'm ecstatic the man has been released," said Threadgill, now a 77-year-old retired appeals court judge. "The whole system is set up to keep that from happening. It failed."
Eric Ferrero, spokesman for the Innocence Project, said a DNA profile can be extracted from decades-old evidence if it has been preserved properly. That means sealed in a bag and stored in a climate-controlled place, which is how most evidence is handled as a matter of routine.
The project has a bigger problem with lost or destroyed evidence than getting usable DNA profiles from existing evidence, he said.
Florida last year passed a law that automatically grants former inmates found innocent $50,000 for each year they spent in prison. No legislative approval is needed. That means Bain is entitled to $1.75 million.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
A man's playmate
A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies,
"If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Revenge
A boy about 13 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a brothel and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the Dose that I just caught."
"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.
On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it."
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and......
HE'S the bastard who ran over my frog!"
He came up to the doorstep of a brothel and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the Dose that I just caught."
"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.
On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it."
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and......
HE'S the bastard who ran over my frog!"
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tiger Woods Family Christmas Portrait
I couldnt resist to upload this picture when I saw it! Hahahaha. Enjoy!
Tiger Woods jokes started shortly after he had the 2:05am accident last week and rumors of a relationship with a cocktail waitress, Jaimee Grubbs started. Enjoy,lol.
What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seals?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
That accident was the first time Tiger Woods failed to drive 300 yards
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree ... he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver.
"Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant".
I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can't see the Woods for the trees.
Tiger's wife went for him after he scored a birdie.
What was the second worst part of Tiger's car accident? The police found the driver in the trunk.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods jokes started shortly after he had the 2:05am accident last week and rumors of a relationship with a cocktail waitress, Jaimee Grubbs started. Enjoy,lol.
What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seals?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
That accident was the first time Tiger Woods failed to drive 300 yards
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree ... he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver.
"Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant".
I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can't see the Woods for the trees.
Tiger's wife went for him after he scored a birdie.
What was the second worst part of Tiger's car accident? The police found the driver in the trunk.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Shaquille O Neal and Shaniya Davis
Remember beautiful 5 year old Shaniya Davis whose Mom sold her into child prostitution in order to pay off money she owed her assole drug partner? Remember also, that her body was found some days later, raped and strangled? Shaniya went missing on November 10th, her body was found on 16th November, 2009.
Remember her Mom, Antionette Davis, who had reported the child missing six days earlier, is charged with human trafficking and child abuse involving prostitution.
Photos taken from surveillance cameras showed Mario McNeill carrying Shaniya through a hotel nearly 30 miles from where she disappeared. Police were alerted to Shaniya's presence after she was recognized by a hotel clerk, but she and McNeill had both left by the time police arrivedthe guy she owed drug money has been charged with murder, rape and kidnapping in the case.
(For those who dont know the full story: Antionette who had a one night thing with Bradley got pregnant, but wasnt financially able to take care of her baby, so as soon as she had her daughter,she gave her to Bradley. Shaniya Davis had lived with her father, Bradley Lockhart,for the past 5 years but oly went to visit her Mom for one month when this tragedy befell her. Bradley Lockhart has blamed himself for letting his daughter visit her biological mother for a month).
After Shaniya's death, Bradley and his family set up a trust fund in memory of Shaniya to help raise money to pay for the funeral.
Well, basketball star Shaquille O'Neal saw the story on the news and decided to help pay for the funeral after being moved by national news coverage of the case of Shaniya Davis, who police say was kidnapped and killed. The Cleveland Cavaliers player was touched by the stories he saw and got in touch with the family to see what he could do to help, a spokeswoman for O'Neal said Thursday.
More than 2,000 people attended the girl's funeral on Sunday.
"I was sitting at home watching it on the news and the story brought a tear to my eye," O'Neal told The Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper.
Corey Breece, of Rogers and Breece Funeral Home, which handled the service, declined to tell the Fayetteville Observer newspaper how much it cost but added that a child's funeral "averages around $4,500."
Her beautiful life was cut short by a Mother who had no clue to life.
May her soul rest in Peace, Amen.
Remember her Mom, Antionette Davis, who had reported the child missing six days earlier, is charged with human trafficking and child abuse involving prostitution.
Photos taken from surveillance cameras showed Mario McNeill carrying Shaniya through a hotel nearly 30 miles from where she disappeared. Police were alerted to Shaniya's presence after she was recognized by a hotel clerk, but she and McNeill had both left by the time police arrivedthe guy she owed drug money has been charged with murder, rape and kidnapping in the case.
(For those who dont know the full story: Antionette who had a one night thing with Bradley got pregnant, but wasnt financially able to take care of her baby, so as soon as she had her daughter,she gave her to Bradley. Shaniya Davis had lived with her father, Bradley Lockhart,for the past 5 years but oly went to visit her Mom for one month when this tragedy befell her. Bradley Lockhart has blamed himself for letting his daughter visit her biological mother for a month).
After Shaniya's death, Bradley and his family set up a trust fund in memory of Shaniya to help raise money to pay for the funeral.Well, basketball star Shaquille O'Neal saw the story on the news and decided to help pay for the funeral after being moved by national news coverage of the case of Shaniya Davis, who police say was kidnapped and killed. The Cleveland Cavaliers player was touched by the stories he saw and got in touch with the family to see what he could do to help, a spokeswoman for O'Neal said Thursday.
More than 2,000 people attended the girl's funeral on Sunday.
"I was sitting at home watching it on the news and the story brought a tear to my eye," O'Neal told The Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper.
Corey Breece, of Rogers and Breece Funeral Home, which handled the service, declined to tell the Fayetteville Observer newspaper how much it cost but added that a child's funeral "averages around $4,500."
Her beautiful life was cut short by a Mother who had no clue to life.
May her soul rest in Peace, Amen.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Alligator shoes
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and
hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
‘CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and
hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
‘CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Never Underestimate A Texas Redneck
A Redneck from Sweetwater , Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.
Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
His name was BUBBA...
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.
Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
His name was BUBBA...
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