Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure. Classic! Lmbo!!
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God! Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!"
"I can’t jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "I’m n...aked and it’s raining cats and dogs."
"If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!" she replied. "He’s got a very quick temper and a shotgun!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn’t that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it’s raining," he replied.
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A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!"
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and say...s, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They precede to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife’s mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he had to fuck the same cow every day."
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An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two children. She walks around the shop, picks what she wants and goes to the counter to pay.
The man behind the counter can’t help but stare at this really offensive looking woman with her two children.
She puts her shopping on the counter and as the man is scanning the items the ugly woman gets all offended by his constant staring and asks him what he i...s staring at.
The man asks whether her kids are twins.
She says "No. one is 12 the other is 7. Why ask?"
"Well......I just couldn’t believe someone would fuck you twice!"
---------------------------------
A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I picked out the largest a...nd most heavily tattooed biker, punched him on the nose, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, then told him, "Now, leave her alone or things are really going to get really ugly!"
St. Peter was impressed and asked "When did this happen?"
"About ten minutes ago."
----------------------
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress and figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
------------------------------
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,
"I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What’s wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and ...we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
Church Analytics
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Old ladies
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said,
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh!t."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said,
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like sh!t."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
More jokes
72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
----------------------
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
----------------------
Old joke:
Husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed. She turned to him and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," he answered.
She then said, "Is that your final answer?"
He didn't even look at her this time, simply saying "Yes."
So she said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.
-----------------------
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
----------------------
Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?""Condoms.""Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday" "Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?" "For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." "Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk. With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February..."
Hahahahahaha...
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
----------------------
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
----------------------
Old joke:
Husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed. She turned to him and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," he answered.
She then said, "Is that your final answer?"
He didn't even look at her this time, simply saying "Yes."
So she said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.
-----------------------
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" she asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"
----------------------
Dad and his 8 year old son walk by a condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?""Condoms.""Oh,why are there 3 in this package?"The Dad replies,"For high school boys, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday and 1 for Sunday" "Cool". He sees a 6 pk and asks, "Then who are these for?" "For college men,2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday." "Then who uses these?" he asks about a 12 pk. With a sigh, the Dad replied, "They are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February..."
Hahahahahaha...
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Jokes
Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her butt that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you.
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A retired man goes to the social security office to apply for SS.
The clerk asks him for his identification but he forgot it at home. The clerk says, "Unbutton your shirt."
The man thought the clerk's request was a bit odd but he unbuttoned anyway.
The clerk says, "Ok you're approved. The white hairs on your chest are enough proof for me." The man returns home and tells his wife about his experience.
The wife says, "You should've dropped your pants. You would've gotten disability too"
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2 kids in a hospital outside the operating room, 1st kid asks, "What are you in here for?" 2nd kid says, "getting my tonsils out, I'm a little nervous. 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, when you wake up they give you ice cream. " 2nd kid asks, "What are you here for?"1st kid says, "circumcision." "Whoa!", the 2nd kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!
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A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
MORAL OF THE STORY: If only men would listen..
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her butt that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you.
------------------------------------------
A retired man goes to the social security office to apply for SS.
The clerk asks him for his identification but he forgot it at home. The clerk says, "Unbutton your shirt."
The man thought the clerk's request was a bit odd but he unbuttoned anyway.
The clerk says, "Ok you're approved. The white hairs on your chest are enough proof for me." The man returns home and tells his wife about his experience.
The wife says, "You should've dropped your pants. You would've gotten disability too"
------------------------------------
2 kids in a hospital outside the operating room, 1st kid asks, "What are you in here for?" 2nd kid says, "getting my tonsils out, I'm a little nervous. 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, when you wake up they give you ice cream. " 2nd kid asks, "What are you here for?"1st kid says, "circumcision." "Whoa!", the 2nd kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!
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A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
MORAL OF THE STORY: If only men would listen..
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Ed the chicken
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ed, wake up! You crapped in the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ed, wake up! You crapped in the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Nate Dogg dead
Wow! I cant believe the famous rapper is DEAD! I know he suffered a stroke in December but thought he was fully recovered.
I actually Hope this is on of those stupid rumors they carry in the press if it's not..
May his soul RIP...Amen!
Nate Dogg: August 19, 1969 - March 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Queen of vagina on youtube
I am 100% sure this woman is Nigerian and is from the Eastern part. I am guessing she is Ibo, from her accent.
She is "promiskiosk" and wants a "pinis" in her wet wet vaga vaga,oooooooooo..lmbao. She is so hilariously dumb but I guess some people would do anything for cheap publicity.
LWKMD for here, lol.
She is "promiskiosk" and wants a "pinis" in her wet wet vaga vaga,oooooooooo..lmbao. She is so hilariously dumb but I guess some people would do anything for cheap publicity.
LWKMD for here, lol.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Arizona shooting: Rep. Gabrielle Giffords hit at meeting with constituents
I don't know what business a 22 year old has messing with a gun. Most boys his age are either in College trying to become useful to themselves and the society at large or chasing girls and partying! I am not going to talk about him cos he is nothing but if you want to read about the dumb-ass, check out the link below.
Arizona shooting: Rep. Gabrielle Giffords hit at meeting with constituents
I dont know what this country is turning into...ehn!
First, the body of a former Army officer Mr John Wheeler, 66, who was a former presidential and Pentagon aide under the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations was discovered on New Year's Eve in a landfill. His body was discovered on New Year's Eve as a garbage truck emptied its contents at the Cherry Island landfill in Delaware. His death was initially ruled a homicide but that opinion may change soon.
In one of the surveillance videos he was seen at parking garage two days earlier, looking disoriented. He wasn't wearing a coat and was carrying one shoe. He walked up to one of the garage assistants and asked her if he could get warm in her booth cos he was cold. She let him in and asked him where his car was..he said he couldn't remember where he packed it. She asked him if he had the keys to his car, he said they were in his briefcase which had been stolen from him. She said it looked like somebody had done something to him from the way he looked.
The next night, Dec. 30, Wheeler was seen at another building in Wilmington, dressed in different clothes and again looking confused.
Police say somehow, Wheeler's body ended up in a dumpster 15 miles away.
Mr Wheeler, who currently worked as a government defence consultant, was a Vietnam war veteran and according to people who knew him, he always had his wits around him. So why he looked disoriented in that surveillance footage still baffles a lot of people.
And now you have this stupid boy shooting the US Congresswoman. The good thing is that she is still alive albeit fighting for her life, the bad thing is that 6 people including the congress woman's aide, a Federal Judge and a 9 year old girl were killed.
Arizona shooting: Rep. Gabrielle Giffords hit at meeting with constituents
I dont know what this country is turning into...ehn!
First, the body of a former Army officer Mr John Wheeler, 66, who was a former presidential and Pentagon aide under the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations was discovered on New Year's Eve in a landfill. His body was discovered on New Year's Eve as a garbage truck emptied its contents at the Cherry Island landfill in Delaware. His death was initially ruled a homicide but that opinion may change soon.
In one of the surveillance videos he was seen at parking garage two days earlier, looking disoriented. He wasn't wearing a coat and was carrying one shoe. He walked up to one of the garage assistants and asked her if he could get warm in her booth cos he was cold. She let him in and asked him where his car was..he said he couldn't remember where he packed it. She asked him if he had the keys to his car, he said they were in his briefcase which had been stolen from him. She said it looked like somebody had done something to him from the way he looked.
The next night, Dec. 30, Wheeler was seen at another building in Wilmington, dressed in different clothes and again looking confused.
Police say somehow, Wheeler's body ended up in a dumpster 15 miles away.
Mr Wheeler, who currently worked as a government defence consultant, was a Vietnam war veteran and according to people who knew him, he always had his wits around him. So why he looked disoriented in that surveillance footage still baffles a lot of people.
And now you have this stupid boy shooting the US Congresswoman. The good thing is that she is still alive albeit fighting for her life, the bad thing is that 6 people including the congress woman's aide, a Federal Judge and a 9 year old girl were killed.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Homeless man w/golden radio voice in Columbus, OH (Update-FINAL)
God has really blessed this man! He was just at the right place at the right time when this reporter showed up! Everyone deserves a second chance and I'm glad he got his.
Enjoy!
Now this is how he looks! He got a job with the NBA team. GOD is good!
Enjoy!
Now this is how he looks! He got a job with the NBA team. GOD is good!
Friday, December 31, 2010
1-1-11
It's the beginning of a new year and beginning of many goodies in 2011.
May we keep our New year resolutions for more than 1 day and may this year be a year of happiness and joy to EVERYONE!
Happy New Year people!!!
May we keep our New year resolutions for more than 1 day and may this year be a year of happiness and joy to EVERYONE!
Happy New Year people!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Keenan Cahill and 50 cent Down on me
I have been listening to this song for the past 5 weeks, I even hear it in my sleep, lol. 50 cent is VERY popular dont get me wrong,but Keenan made this song popular. Very few people had heard the song before Keenan did his youtube video of it. He even has more hits on his video than the original by 50 Cent and Jeremiah, lol.
Also watched him on Chelsea Handler's show, he is 15, single and such a cutie, lol.
Enjoy!
Oh did I metnion it's my phone ringtone and my alarm tone, lol.
Also watched him on Chelsea Handler's show, he is 15, single and such a cutie, lol.
Enjoy!
Oh did I metnion it's my phone ringtone and my alarm tone, lol.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Laura Ikeji Fitness Instructor
My younger sister- Laura Ikeji is a dance and fitness instructor. She's moved her dance and aerobics classes to a new fitness centre - Fitness Options Health Centre. Fitness Options Health Centre is located at 18, Ahmed Jimoh Street, off Ekololu street, Surulere. Lagos.
Laura's dance and fitness classes take place three times a week and registration is N8,000 per month.
For contact details call Laura on- 08025862471.
Email add: ikejilaura@gmail.com or follow her on twitter.com/lauraikeji or add her on facebook: facebook.com/lauraikeji
Laura's dance and fitness classes take place three times a week and registration is N8,000 per month.
For contact details call Laura on- 08025862471.
Email add: ikejilaura@gmail.com or follow her on twitter.com/lauraikeji or add her on facebook: facebook.com/lauraikeji
Monday, November 15, 2010
Ufeoma Ejenobor's alleged assault
Some weeks back, I heard that Nollywood actress, Ufuoma Ejeanobor was attacked by Lagos state House of Assembly men.I felt sorry for her until I watched this video.
Haba! The Deputy Commissioner of Police tried calming her down yet she refused to lisen, wetin happen!!!
Even if your Dad was the President of the world wouldnt you listen to an older person with authority??? The guy kept trying to calm her down yet she kept acting like an Agbero. Na wa o! ..and she is supposed to be a celebrity/role model???? I bow o!
Haba! The Deputy Commissioner of Police tried calming her down yet she refused to lisen, wetin happen!!!
Even if your Dad was the President of the world wouldnt you listen to an older person with authority??? The guy kept trying to calm her down yet she kept acting like an Agbero. Na wa o! ..and she is supposed to be a celebrity/role model???? I bow o!
On second thoughts
Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Brand new magazine launches into Nigerian fashion space
Mannequin Magazine, the novel editorial fashion magazine for women has hit the streets of Lagos bringing with it an edge – one of style, fashion, entertainment and exposure.
Having a strong fashion background from working with reputable fashion giants, the likes of GAP, Topshop, Bank and Republic, in organizing fashion shows as well as its vast experience with stylists and photographers in the industry, Mannequin aims to set a different kind of standard in Nigerian fashion editorials.
With its slogan – ‘Dream It. Change It. Work It’, Mannequin believes in the empowerment and perfection of women with fashion being a major part. The magazine’s intention is to guide readers accordingly, updating them with the latest trends and news, offering inspiration and encouraging growth in almost all spheres of their lives. Mannequin’s belief is that fashion is not just in the clothes a woman wears but how they are worn, how she carries herself and how she lives.
Mannequin Magazine boasts of being Nigeria's first real fashion magazine and aims to be the ultimate African fashion bible. In order to do this, the magazine comes in a handy size, which fits right into a handbag and comes out monthly.
Having been present in the Nigerian online blogging and web space for over a year, the magazine’s website has a daily traffic of over 230,000 hits.
The first, “Nouveau” issue launched on October 1st, 2010 with Miss Nigeria, Cynthia Omorodion, Studio 53 Extra’s Eku Edewor and female rap artist Mo'Cheddah on the cover. These women are the new power figures in their various fields, modeling, fashion and television and music respectively. The official launch is billed to take place on the October 10, 2010, (10.10.10) at an exclusive venue in the high-brow area of Victoria Island, Lagos.
Mannequin Magazine costs N700 and is available throughout Lagos with plans of reaching other states in Nigeria within a few months. The web address is www.mannequin-magazine.com
Having a strong fashion background from working with reputable fashion giants, the likes of GAP, Topshop, Bank and Republic, in organizing fashion shows as well as its vast experience with stylists and photographers in the industry, Mannequin aims to set a different kind of standard in Nigerian fashion editorials.
With its slogan – ‘Dream It. Change It. Work It’, Mannequin believes in the empowerment and perfection of women with fashion being a major part. The magazine’s intention is to guide readers accordingly, updating them with the latest trends and news, offering inspiration and encouraging growth in almost all spheres of their lives. Mannequin’s belief is that fashion is not just in the clothes a woman wears but how they are worn, how she carries herself and how she lives.
Mannequin Magazine boasts of being Nigeria's first real fashion magazine and aims to be the ultimate African fashion bible. In order to do this, the magazine comes in a handy size, which fits right into a handbag and comes out monthly.
Having been present in the Nigerian online blogging and web space for over a year, the magazine’s website has a daily traffic of over 230,000 hits.
The first, “Nouveau” issue launched on October 1st, 2010 with Miss Nigeria, Cynthia Omorodion, Studio 53 Extra’s Eku Edewor and female rap artist Mo'Cheddah on the cover. These women are the new power figures in their various fields, modeling, fashion and television and music respectively. The official launch is billed to take place on the October 10, 2010, (10.10.10) at an exclusive venue in the high-brow area of Victoria Island, Lagos.
Mannequin Magazine costs N700 and is available throughout Lagos with plans of reaching other states in Nigeria within a few months. The web address is www.mannequin-magazine.com
Friday, September 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
CATHOLIC COFFEE
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
slim,
tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a
room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks
into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
slim,
tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Rugby fanatic or what?
Man said to wife
"Right you sexy thing, upstairs now"
She looked at him and said:
"Ooh, you kinky bastard"
He said "No, seriously, the rugby's starting, now f*#k off'
Exceptional moment, lol. ROTFLMAO!!!
"Right you sexy thing, upstairs now"
She looked at him and said:
"Ooh, you kinky bastard"
He said "No, seriously, the rugby's starting, now f*#k off'
Exceptional moment, lol. ROTFLMAO!!!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Paddy
Paddy needed money. He went to playground, grabbed a kid, and said, “I’ve kidnapped u."
He wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped ur kid.Tomorrow,put £10,000 in a bag put it by the tree in the playground. Signed, Irishman."
He then pinned the note to the kid and sent him home.
The next morning paddy checked. A paper bag was there with the £10,000 inside, with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Irishman?"
He wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped ur kid.Tomorrow,put £10,000 in a bag put it by the tree in the playground. Signed, Irishman."
He then pinned the note to the kid and sent him home.
The next morning paddy checked. A paper bag was there with the £10,000 inside, with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Irishman?"
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The State trooper and the speeder
I got this joke from someone who likes to read my blog/jokes. Thanks Anonymous! Enjoy people!
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Laugh out loud
Nude Runner
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I cannot jump out the window. It is raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he will kill us both!' she replied.
'He has got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them..
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope...just when it is raining.'
The Blonde and the Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Oklahoma. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that miserable idiot on your knee!"
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I cannot jump out the window. It is raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he will kill us both!' she replied.
'He has got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them..
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope...just when it is raining.'
The Blonde and the Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Oklahoma. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that miserable idiot on your knee!"
Friday, May 21, 2010
The obedient wife
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, & was a real miser when it came to spending it.
Just before he died, he said to his wife,"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I worked for it, it's mine and I want to take it to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of his money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it into the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Her friend sitting with her said, "Girl, surely you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband?."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an obedient wife and that was my
dear husband's last wish; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I would put all his money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you buried all that money in the casket !?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it!"
Just before he died, he said to his wife,"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I worked for it, it's mine and I want to take it to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of his money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it into the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
Her friend sitting with her said, "Girl, surely you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband?."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an obedient wife and that was my
dear husband's last wish; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I would put all his money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you buried all that money in the casket !?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it!"
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Linda Ikeji's book, It takes you
My sister's book 'It takes you' is out...yaaaaay!!!
An official book launch/presentation has been scheduled for -
Date: Wednesday May 5th 2010
Venue: Theatre 5, Genesis Deluxe Cinema, The Palms, Lekki. Lagos, Nigeria.
Time: 5pm
Book signing session – Saturday May 8th, 2010
Venue: The Hub Media Store, The Palms, Lekki, Lagos, Nigeria
Time: 2pm
Check out the full detail on Linda's blog, www.lindaikeji.blogspot.com
An official book launch/presentation has been scheduled for -
Date: Wednesday May 5th 2010
Venue: Theatre 5, Genesis Deluxe Cinema, The Palms, Lekki. Lagos, Nigeria.
Time: 5pm
Book signing session – Saturday May 8th, 2010
Venue: The Hub Media Store, The Palms, Lekki, Lagos, Nigeria
Time: 2pm
Check out the full detail on Linda's blog, www.lindaikeji.blogspot.com
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was
about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned
home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?"
asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair..
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was
about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned
home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?"
asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair..
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Monday, February 22, 2010
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