Church Analytics

Friday, February 8, 2008

More jokes

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is atwork.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boyis in there already.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time ?'
Boy - '£350'Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy,'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a £600.'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that'
That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'.
The priest says, 'Don't start that sh* t again you little pr*ck,you're in my f...... cupboard now'!!
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The missing cock
A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing.
At the same time the priest heard rumors of cockfights being held in town.
Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. " That's not what I mean, either.
Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question:
Has anybody here seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up
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Old lady biker
A little old Lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one
day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with
tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a
motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, Yep...my bike's parked over there", and
points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any
man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4
packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been
swung around by my nipples a few times."
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Out With The Boys
A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Woman love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak , so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very suprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked
"Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
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Weight loss
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The startled mother recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time, because, once a week, that nice looking lady next door comes over and blows him back up.
************************************************************
Farting problem
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.
He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.
Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She
fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While
she was
taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husbands problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.
While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About 20 minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right-all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in."
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Sleeping in church

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again.
"Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!

4 comments:

Mommy said...

I think you are hilarious Vera!! Nice blog!

desperate lady said...

lmao ok this is funny.

Vera Ikeji said...

@ 'Mommy' and 'desperate lady': Thank you very much!

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