LITTLE JOHNNY ON... PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little JOHNNY . He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnnysays, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
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Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.When they arrived home from the hospital,the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wisecrack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all." said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand.
He looked at its mother and said "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.Why...just look at his pretty little eyes...Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask? Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses."
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Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
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The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.
She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No,No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train.
That's the grown-up word."
Then the teacher asked the third one, Little Johnny, what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. Johnny puffed out is chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."
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One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle?
Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
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Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a motherfuckin'
train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."
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Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnny decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr.Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied, "In Susie's room, of course.
It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job, you'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into his proposal.
So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't know how to answer, After all a 10 year old little boy couldnt have thought of everything.
After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
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DEER MEAT
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole...
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