Church Analytics

Friday, May 30, 2008

Dating rituals

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date : You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex..
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex..
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex..

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get oral sex again.

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.


Thursday, May 29, 2008

Prison vs work

Guess what this is.

It's a new Prison in UK !

Prison vs Work.
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
@ WORK you spend the majority of your time In a 6X6 cubicle /office.
@ PRISON: You get three meals a day fully paid for.
@ WORK: You get a break for one meal and You have to pay for it.
@ PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
@ WORK: You get more work for Good behavior.
@ PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
@ WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
@ PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
@ WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
@ PRISON: You get your own toilet.
@ WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
@ PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
@ WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
@ PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
@ WORK: You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
@ PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
@ WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
@ PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens.
@ WORK They are called managers.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Avram Grant sacked

Avram Grant was sacked last night as Chelsea Manager, after only nine months of taking over from Jose Mourinho.

The club's chief executive, Peter Kenyon, had already paved the way for Grant's departure immediately after the defeat to Manchester United on penalties in the Luzhniki Stadium by claiming that second-best was not good enough for Chelsea.

Abramovich who claimed that Grant was a close personal friend, had no hesitation in formally dimissing his 'so called friend'.

Cheslea FC is becoming a joke! The guy took on the club's responsibilities when things were very tough. He had a hot to seat to sit on and he delivered, to the best of his abilities. Chelsea players are VERY good and well paid, they don't even need a coach to win a game.

At least he got to the final. He should have been given a chance to prove what he could do for the club, that's what sportsmanship is all about. That's why i think most Chelsea fans in Nigeria are not true fans.

A lot of them moved from Man. U and Arsenal when David Beckham and Kanu Nwankwo, left these two clubs respectively. Jose Mourinho started winning for Chelsea about five years ago and made Chelsea popular world wide and that was how MOST Chelsea fans in Nigeria were born.

True fans and club owners never give up no matter what!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Butter vs Margarine

I got this info from a friend and thought i should share it. I dont know how authentic this is, but here it goes:
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.

DO YOU KNOW.. the difference between margarine and butter?

Both have the same amount of calories. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams. Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added! Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years .

And now, for Margarine..
-Very high in trans fatty acids.
-Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
-Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
-Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold. Lowers quality of breast milk.
-Decreases immune response.
-Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC.. This fact alone (if it's true) is enough to avoid margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this yourself: Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it.

Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

If this is true, then a lot Nigerians are in trouble 'cos most Nigerians eat more margarine than butter. Mmmmm..... i wonder.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

UEFA champions league 2008 winners are Man. U.

Good luck to both Man. U and Chelsea. Both teams need it.

May the best team win!

10:35pm, Nigerian time.

After 90mins of full time, the game went on to 30mins of extra time, then on to penalties. Didier Drogba was sent off during the game, so he missed the penalty shoot outs. If he leaves to Milan to play with/for his 'Boss' Mourinho, then it would have been a bad exit for him from Chelsea.

Christiano Ronaldo Man. U., John Terry and Nicolas Anelka all missed penalties.

Up REDS!!!!!! They won 6-5 on penalties.

My poor sister has bn crying her eyes out 'cos Chelsea lost, sorry to Chelsea and all Chelsea fans. This would have bn their first UEFA Champions win IF they had won, but they didn't. This is Man. U's 3rd win.

Manchester United now reigns supreme in Europe.


Just for laffs