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Monday, April 23, 2007

The Best Divorce Letter.

Dear Connie,
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period but i couldn't wait anymore.
The day u left, i swore i will never talk to u again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.
Still,i never wanted to be the one to make the first contact. In my fantasies,it was always u who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now,i see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I am tired of pretending i don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my heart says: "There is no one like u Connie". I look for u in the eyes and breasts of every woman i see, but they are not u. Not even close.

Two weeks ago,i met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt u but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young,maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give u. I mean,just a perfect body. Tits like u wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
As i sat on the couch being blown by this stunner,i thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all superficial! What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case,yes, but u see what i am getting at? Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about half a pint of throat yogurt, i found myself thinking. "Why do i feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me,it didn't feel the same cos u weren't there to watch. Do u know what i mean? Nothing feels the same without u. Jesus, Connie, i am going crazy without u, and everything i do, just reminds me of u.

Do u remember Carol,that single mom we met in Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured i wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing u know,we were banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack.She's giving me everything,u know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether her kids can hear us. All of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on Ur grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it,right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot but it makes me sad, too because i cant help thinking. "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what,14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday,ur sister drops by with copy of my restraining order. I mean, Vicki's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's bn a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about u and women in general. She's pulling 4 us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we are doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as u and all i can think is think of how much she looked like u when u were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times i pressured u about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do u see how even then, when i am thrusting into ur baby sister's cinnamon ring,all i can do is think of u? It's true, Connie. In ur heart u must know it.

Don't u think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start afresh? I think we can. If u feel the same please,please,please, let me know.

Otherwise,can u let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love, Dan.

This is a true story.


ify said...

ure right vera. this is the best divorce letter yet!i enjoyed it

belinda said...

i found both funny and disheartening.

belinda said...

i found this both funny and disheartening.

naijami said...

is this really for real?

wakanta said...

the guy who wrote this letter is on crack abeg

Vera Ikeji said...

@Naijami. Yes it's for real.

LurLar said...

lemme ask again? it's for real abi? If it is den dat guy is an asshole. BIG TYME!!! but d letter is still funny sha.

chidi said...

the guy must be crazy to send his wife such a letter! in short, he's a MADMAN!

TJ The Actor said...

Vera, i beg tell Dan he's complete looser cos his ex- wife ain't coming back she's with now safe,hale and healthy.. any man that doesn't appreciate his wife or girlfriend will surely lose her to a fine boy like me... that's d naked truth! RESPECT WOMEN U EGOCENTRIC FAGGOTS out there!.....

Vera Ikeji said...

@ Lurlar, yes it's real.
@ Chidi, lol, he's a complete mad man.
@ tj the actor, Yes O! Tell the men make dem hear. If u can't treat her right, u loose her. Simple.

Yaamaji said...

That's a funny one, Ikeji, you horn dog. LOL
All that heat and humidity in Lagos must be keeping you steamed? LOL

Vera Ikeji said...

@ Yaamaji, Nooooooooo, Lagos humidity aint doing nothing to me,lol. The letter is funny tho. Lol.

Vera Ikeji Shilobod said...

The best divorce letter is the one by the lady who won the lottery, lol.

JM said...

All I wanna know is...did she tell him where the fucking remote was?