Church Analytics

Thursday, September 27, 2007

2007 corruption perception index

Nigeria is ranked as the 33rd most corrupt country in the world.mmm, what does that say? U think it's an improvement? mmm. Lol.
1. Somalia.
2. Myanmar
3. Iraq
4. Haiti.
5. Uzbekistan.
7. Sudan
8. Chad
9. Afghanistan
10. Laos
At least we aint on the list of the top 30 most corrupt countries. Lol.
1. New Zealand
2. Denmark
3. Finland
4. Singapore
5. Sweden
6. Iceland
7. The Netherlands
8. Switzerland
9. Norway
10. Canada

Saturday, September 22, 2007


A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"£85 for an extraction, Sir," the dentist replied.
"£85!!! Have you not got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnt use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5."

"Ooh, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"...Can you confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday, then?"

Friday, September 21, 2007

Little Neville

Little Neville returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?"
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Neville .
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f..... difference?" asks the father."
That's what I said!"

Little Neville goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example o f a multi-syllable word?"
Neville says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Neville , that's a mouthful."
Little Neville says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Little Neville was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, Neville , that is NOT the proper word touse in this situation.The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.
"Little Neville , thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight,but if you had bigger boobs , you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE Neville ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael."My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Neville ."Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

Little Neville was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Neville replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Neville answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Surjit Athwal killers sent to Life in Jail

Surjit Athwal was a 27 year old Indian, who was born in the U.K. She worked as a customs officer at Heathrow and married a fellow Indian who worked as a mini bus driver in Heathrow.
They had two kids together but she suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth in 1998.
Her husband's family didn't like her 'western ways'. They didn't like the fact that she had cut her hair short, smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol. They also suspected that she was cheating on her 43 year old husband. They allegedly confirmed her infidelity when she announced that she wanted a divorce. At a secret family meeting, the matriarch Bachan, 70, a mother of six, allegedly decreed that her daughter-in law had besmirched the family's honour, and said they needed to "get rid of her".
"Surjit was a vivacious girl, and while working at a customs officer at Heathrow as the main wage-earner in her family, had adapted a somewhat Westernised style of life. It may be that was not popular at home.
Her mother-in-law lured her to India on the pretext of attending a wedding but when she got there, her husband's brother was contracted to strangled her.
After she was killed, mother and son returned to the U.K. as if nothing had happened. They(mother-in-law and husband) forged threat letters to Scotland yard saying that her own father wanted her dead so that they wont be suspected of killing Surjit.

Shortly after her husband returned to U.K., he remarried and forged her signature,so he could claim her house as his.

The most amazing aspect of this story is that, Mother and Son live in the U.K.. One would think that they would have adapted to the Western life.

Anyways, prosecution and legal proceedings started after Surjit's brother,Jagdeesh Sing, reported the case and followed it up. After thorough investigations, both mother-in-law, Bachan, and her son, Sukhdave have been found guilty today and would each serve a life jail term. Surjit's mother-in-law who is 70, would spend at least 20 years in jail before she can be considered for release.
May God save us from wicked mother-in-laws O! Amen.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Richard Branson's generosity, Thailand Crash

The McCann's thought the two million pounds raised for Madeline would be used to cover their legal cost, but this was not to be. The people in charge of the fund for Madeleine said, it would only be used for what it was originally set for, to find Madeleine.

I haven't said anything about these 2 people cos, i think there is something going on that we don't know about. Only Gerry and Kate McCann know what is really going on.

When they were in Portugal, they vowed that they wouldn't leave the country until their daughter was found, however, as soon as they were named 'formal suspects', they decided to leave the country in a huge hurry. What happened to the vow they made?
Sir Richard Branson has pledged, a hundred thousand pounds (£100,000) to the McCann's to cover their legal cost. He said, he did this, so that they would be given a fair hearing. mmmm. Still no comment from me.

I was watching Sky News this morning and what did i see that was scrolled? 'News alert: Gerry and Kate McCann attend mass'. Reporters and photographers were seen taking pictures of them walking to church, hand in hand. What was that about? Don't they have better things to report about? Like the plane crash in Phuket, Thailand which occurred this morning? 'The McCann's went to church this morning', so fuck what? Who gives a toss?

I don't know why the press give unnecessary attention to some people.

They should concentrate on finding Madeleine or finding her killer(s). Please.

To the Thailand Plane Crash:
News report say that the pilot was given the clear to land, but because it was raining heavily and visibility was poor, he decided to manoeuvre the plane, but lost balance and crashed. The plane which carried people from Bangkok to Phuket, Thailand, split into two and burst into flames after it landed.
There were 123 passengers (most of whom were tourists) and seven crew members on board, . About 88 people have been declared dead.

There is a mini morgue near the airport for families to identify the bodies of their loved ones. Most of the passengers were tourists from the UK, Netherlands, Italy, Australia, Israel, the US, one Canadian, Iran etc.

About 90 people on board were foreigners and about 30 people survived the crash, with minor injuries, especially, face injuries and burns.

An investigation into what really happened has begun, fortunately the pilot and co-pilot survived the crash.

May the souls of the 88 passengers who were in the Phuket, Thailand, crash rest in Peace. Amen.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Stevo, check this out!!!

You think u have shitty clients? Check this out man. Hahahaha.
Ring ring..... Ring ring....
"Hello, Technical Support, How Can I help You" ?
LADY: "Last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noise at me so I shut it down. This morning when I turned it on the computer started hissing and cracking, then started smoking and a bad smell, then nothing".
SUPPORT : "I will have a technician come over first thing this morning, just leave the computer just like it is, so they can find the problem and fix it, or change it out with another computer. Give me your address; phone number and the technician will be there just as soon as they can".
When the technician got there, the lady showed the technician where the computer was & said what happened to it.
This is what the technician found wrong.
Take a look at the pictures......... you won't believe your eyes!!!

And You Thought You Had ****** customers ??? Nothing beats this!!! Lol.

Celebrity News

Someone sent an email to telling him that Hollywood celebrities Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were in Tanzania recently for charity. (and perhaps to shoot a movie, speculation).
This is what they said to perezhilton: “My friends and I live in Tanzania, East Africa (BONGO) and we just bumped into Ben and Matt at a hotel while we were having happy hour. They were the most down to earth and most awesome guys we have met in a while ( THEY ARE NOW TANZANIAN LEGENDS!!). Honestly, they were so nice and were down to take a photo with us. Matt Damon even introduced himself!! How cool is that? Plus we are pleased to report that Ben Affleck is totally HOT! and very very tall. They are here for aid work and even after a full day, they still posed for a photo. We urge everyone to go watch the Bourne Ultimatum!!”
What i liked about the fact that they came to Africa is that, they didn't go with an entourage of cameras, if that person hadn't sent that email and picture, the public wouldn't have known they were there (in Tanzania) at all. That is what i like.
You don't have to announce to the whole world (like Brangelina) when u are doing something for charity. Let people see u and talk about Ur good work. Weldone guys!

The guy has been accused of breaking into a Casino hotel room in Las Vegas. It is reported that he took a sport memorabilia from the room while he was there. However, the dude claims he didn't break into the hotel, only took what belonged to him.
He said someone called to tell him that people were selling his stuff(stolen stuff), he arranged a meeting with the sellers and according to him 'took what belonged to him'.
If it is his, why not?

Chris Langham sentenced to 10 months imprisonment.
Top British comedian and Bafta award winner, Chris Langham, has (today, 14Th September)been sentenced to 10 months in jail for downloading child pornography.
The 58 year old admitted to downloading child porn but said he wasn't a pedophile. He said he was sexually abused as a child and was trying to deal with the ordeal he passed through by looking at indecent photographs of children.(Oyibo). He also claimed he downloaded these images because he was conducting a research for the BBC television series 'Help' and that he wanted to explore the way society viewed sex offenders through him. I think i believe him or....NOT. I don't know. The episodes for this show were never made.
His wife and three sons were in court when he was sentenced and were really disappointed with the result. His kids said they never, at any time, felt threatened by their father.
The good news (at least for his family) is that, Chris would only spend five(5) months of his ten(10) months jail term.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

U-17 world champions + Update

The U-17 world champions (Nigeria Golden Eaglets) arrived Lagos yesterday. They were hailed by a huge crowd of people when they exited the airport. A large crowd of people hailed them as they slowly drove along the street of Lagos.

The Golden Eaglets with the Governor of Lagos state. Babatunde Fashola. (The governor is the one with the pink arrow pointing on him)
When the world champions arrived Lagos.
They were later hosted by the Lagos state governor, Babatunde Fashola, yesterday in Lagos state.
The were treated to nice cultural dances , good food( i hope),etc., they were well entertained in general even though a lot of them looked like they could easily fall asleep right there at the party. Lol.
Oh! The main gist is that, the governor gave each player, four hundred thousand Naira (US$3150) worth of shares in a Lagos State company and a hundred thousand Naira(US$788) life insurance policy for winning the world cup.
Impressive eh? Lol.
They will be hosted in Abuja tomorrow by the president. I hope they get better prizes for winning the prestigious cup.
The delighted President, Umaru Musa Yar Adua, hosted the Eaglets at a Gala Nite held in their honour in Abuja over the weekend and announced the gifts of three-bedroom bungalows to each of the players and the eight officials. The houses situated in the Wuse area of the Federal Capital cost between N6.5m-N7m per unit.
He also gave each player the award of M.O.N. (Member of the Order of Niger) and each official the award/title of M.F.R. (Member of the Federal Republic of Nigeria).mmm. Nice. I think.
The Eaglets will be hosted by other private companies later.

Elevator Entrapment Guidelines

If you become trapped in an elevator:

1. First and above all, don't attempt to get out between floors. Elevator injuries and fatalities have been due to people attempting to escape without knowledgeable personnel aiding them.

2. Be patient, remain calm, and use the emergency phone or emergency call button in the elevator cab to alert the guard in the control room, if u know it.

3. Inform the control room of your full name and that you are stalled in an elevator, the floor you are located on if indicated on the floor indicator, the cab number which is labeled on each elevator cab, and whether there is anyone else on the elevator with you.

4. If there is a medical emergency, ask that the control room contact the medical personnel to assist you. Note that there is plenty of air circulation into the elevator cab when it is not moving.

5. Wait for assistance from trained personnel. Security will keep you advised periodically on the call box. If you feel the need to do so, you may keep security on the line for your comfort. Call lines generally time out in 3 to 4 minutes, so pressing the call button may be required to reactivate communications.

6. Again, never attempt to open the doors of an elevator. Elevators are equipped with smart technology and can stop for a variety of reasons. Do not attempt to exit an elevator that is mis-positioned or un-leveled unless instructed to do so by trained personnel. Elevators can reset themselves automatically and begin moving without any prior warning.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Someone needs to know.

A friend of mine called me on the phone this afternoon and asked me a question that i could not answer.

My friend had been divorced from his wife for two years but still kept in touch with his ex because of their son. Apart from that, they have an amicable relationship. They are good friends.

He told me, that she called him yesterday, and told him, she wanted him to give her another child.

He asked me what i thought of that but i couldn't help him out with it.

Can u guys help him out please?

Should he grant his ex-wife's request or not?


Sunday, September 9, 2007

Nigeria is 2007 FIFA U-17 World Cup Champions

We did it!!! Yes we did it!!!!

We beat Spain on penalties! 3-0. Yes!!!

My heart was pounding so so hard and racing very fast when the penalty shoot out began. I told my sister that i didn't think we would win cos we had always lost matches on penalties. But Alas! They proved me wrong. They made us proud.
The powerful shots by the Nigerian players were superb! Our keeper (Akinboye) did us proud by saving two goals.

We were the only team in the competition that didn't loose any game. We won all our matches and conceded 4 goals in the whole competition.

Macauley Chrisantus

Macauley Chrisantus of Nigeria, won the golden shoe and Silver ball awards. He was the second-best player of the tournament and the highest goal scorer of the tournament with seven goals. .

We did it again!

For those who missed the competition, let me give u the higlight of our total matches and results:

Final: today, 09/09/07: Spain 0-0 Nigeria (After 90 mins of play and 30 mins of extra time).
Nigeria win 3-0 on penalties.

Semi-finals:06/09/07: Nigeria 3-1 Germany

Quarter-finals: 02/09/07: Argentina 0-2 Nigeria

Round of 16:
30/08/07: Nigeria 2-1 Colombia

In Group D.
They had the highest points on the table with 3 matches, 3 wins, No draw, No loss, scored 9 golas, conceded 2 goals and had total points of 9.

The break down of group D matches:
19/08/07: Nigeria 2-1 France
19/08/07: Japan 3-1 Haiti
22/08/07: Haiti 1-1 France
22/08/07: Japan 0-3 Nigeria
25/08/07: Nigeria 4-1 Haiti
25/08/07: France 2-1 Japan

Congratulations Nigeria!!!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Halle Berry is pregnant. yay!!!

Yay!!!! The most beautiful person in the whole wide world (my opinion) is pregnant.

Miss Halle Berry is now confirmed pregnant. My most beautiful woman in the whole world is three months pregnant. I am sooooooooo happy to hear this.
She and her good looking Canadian supermodel boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry of 2 years are expecting a baby. (I know i am repeating myself but i am so excited!)

Hurray! Hurray!! Hurray!!!

Imagine how beautifuuuuuuuuuuuuul that baby would be. Oooooh!!!

I am always overjoyed when beautiful, talented people have replicas of themselves.

I cant explain it. I just feel they cant let themselves go to waste, u know? go extinct with nothing to remember them by. They have got to give the world a mini-them....

Next people i am waiting for are Naomi Campbell, Janet Jackson, Tyra Banks...etc.

Luciano Pavarotti is dead.

The world's greatest Opera singer, Luciano Pavarotti , is dead. He died at the age of 71 in his home in Modena, Italy.

The Italian singer was diagnosed of pancreatic cancer last year, he tried hard to fight the disease but the disease took over at 4 a.m. (Nigerian time) this morning.

He received an award from the Italian government for promoting the country's culture. He was the first person to receive this award.

One news that amazed me was the fact that Pavarotti's first love was football. He wanted to be a football player when he was a young boy but he didn't make it.

He said he was very happy and proud when his song was used as the anthem in the 1990 world cup. He was an avid football fan. This was actually what brought him into the limelight.

He was into doing a lot of charities as well. He said it became a passion for him after he met Princess Diana.

Luciano Pavarotti underwent five bouts of chemotherapy and was eventually released from the hospital last month. He had been unconscious the last couple of days and eventually died this morning, thursday, 6th september, 2007.

May his soul rest in peace. Amen.