Church Analytics

Friday, April 20, 2007

Old Glesga Jokes.

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
Whit wis that fur?" he cries.

"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser poackets wi’ the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.

Dinna be daft," he explains, "twa weeks ago when ah went tae the races Mary-Rose wis the name of wan o' the horses ah bet on."

She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Yir horse phoned!" she said.
A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea, let's kidd-on wir married.(Let's pretend we are married) " Why not," giggles the woman. Good", he replies.

"Get yir ain blanket(Get ur own blanket).
A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper(paper). "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman!
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks The boy says, 'I play the part of the Scottish husband. The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher ye want a speaking part!
One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said F****** hell! A talking pig!"
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!

No comments: